I've been so back and forth lately. Sometimes I feel optimistic and sometimes I feel at a loss.

This is where things stood over the summer. It was a good summer.
Ben had surgery. I helped take care of him. I spent a lot of time with his mom and dad. Emily came to Bens house for the first time. Emily met his mom.
I went to his sisters house in Richmond for an engagement party. Ben and I destroyed everyone at beer pong. So far we are undefeated this summer. We even entered a tournament and won a bunch of random stuff. I had an awkward brunch with him and his parents as they all complained about his sisters fiance. He called me every day and tried to hang out every day. He came out on the boat with my family every weekend. In the two years that I've known him, he seemed the happiest this summer, despite the surgery and not being able to play soccer, he seemed happy. Maybe it was me that was happy and so it just seemed he was happy too... but I felt good about us, I felt like we had a future, that we made each other happy, that we were a team.
Finding out that he was with someone else in the spring was tough. I felt lied to, I felt like everything between us was a lie. In retrospect I see it couldn't have all been a lie. I wish I never found out. Things aren't the same. He tried to avoid me, the whole issue all together. Both of us however felt very lost. We tried to talk things through but instead we both just tried to pretend like nothing happened. We actually had a great weekend. We went to the Orioles game, we went out afterwards and had a great time bar hopping till last call. Saturday we watched netflix most of the day and went out Saturday night with several of his friends. Sunday morning we had another lazy day. Sunday night he went out with Jason and I spent time with my family. Monday we watched the O's together. Monday he seemed down, I assumed because the work week was about to start. Now its Wednesday and he's barely said a word to me. No phone call after work. If I didn't text him asking about his drafts we probably wouldn't have said a word yesterday. WHY!? I want what he had in the summer. I don't understand why he's pushing me away.

Today will be a good day...

Positive thinking. Its supposed to work right?
At the same time I don't want anything too good to happen today.
So lets just pretend its like any other day.
Its silly right? Why would a memory weigh so heavily on one day?
Why can't I just go through this day without constantly remembering?!
Four years.
I am a different person now.
He is dead.
That helps me get through the day.

I've been moody at my job lately. My "manager" has been pissing me off. The lack of staff has been pissing me off. The overtime I've been working has been pissing me off. I feel like I am being treated like a little kid. I try to schedule my time around my work, I have my specific work that I do every month, I have my clients that I keep in touch with and do things for without reporting to Joyce or Steve what I'm doing for them because Steve has encouraged me to be proactive, and stay on top of my clients without having to be told what to do or whatever, but its kind of hard to do with Joyce constantly breathing down my neck. "what are you working on? When are you going to do this? Will you have time to do this soon?" No, F you, go away, I will do what I want when I want, I'm an adult and have been working here for 6 years!
I got to work today, walked into the kitchen to put my lunch in the fridge, Joyce followed me in, "Whats up for today?"  and I say "I have no idea, I haven't sat down yet" take a hint lady and leave me the fuck alone. Then she asks me to send her something, which she could easily get herself, so as I am getting it for her she sends me an email reminding me to send it to her... are you fucking kidding me, you think I forgot in the three minutes it took me to boot up my computer.
Last week I gave her something to review on the day it was due. I asked her to please review the numbers and fax to the number on the first page.
The next day she tells me that we need to start using the work in progress spreadsheet again so something like that doesn't fall through the cracks, I explained that it was in an envelope with the regular monthly bingo stuff that I hadn't opened and the client called and asked the status on it so I found it and did it real quick, had absolutely nothing to do with me "forgetting" to do it, she wants to have absolute control over what I do and what I work on, it makes me crazy. She is not technically my manager, she is tax manager, I work for Steve, not her.
I don't know how I'm going to survive another tax season.

"Watching" the debate... With one of my least fav people. I try so hard to like him, and it's not even the way he treats meg that makes me not like him, it's his hate towards white people, it's his cough, as petty as that might seem, it's so loud and constant, like see a doctor! It's his way of life... Come on meg, how could you and your son possibly have a life with this guy, ughhhhh, I know I've been with people who are bad for me, so I have no probs telling meg how he's bad for her, and she knows, she admits it all the time, "but I love him so much" ugh nothing I can do but sit here and hate (but not really hate, cause I can't seem to hate anybody).

Sometimes I feel behind in life. 

I should be married.

Have another kid. 

Is that so important though? 

I'm happy. I have an amazing 12 year old.

I have Ben. 

He said he's gonna propose in February.

Yeah right.

I guess I get pissy when people annoy me.

Also I feel poopy. 

Meow. 

So Friday night I was at bootcamp and I sat in sit up position and thought wow that hurts, feels like I'm sitting on something thats poking at my tailbone. Nope, nothing there. I then suffered through several painful situps.
Next morning at bootcamp I told Jake I couldn't do any situps. Running actually hurt to. Any movement really. Sleeping was a joke. I couldn't think of anything I did to injure it, but I could feel the swelling, and it was painful.
Finally after 4 days of pain and lack of sleep I saw a doctor. I have an infected cyst. It needs to be drained and cleaned but it wasn't ready yet, much like a pimple you can't prematurely pop it, you have to wait till its ready.
I am almost certain its ready. I am scared though,  I've read horror stories. However it won't just go away so I have to go back to my doc. I am going to go after lunch. I'm ready to not be in pain anymore. But I read I have to wear a bandage for a few days, I'm supposed to go to a pool party tonight and run a race in the morning, I have a feeling I won't be able to do either. Oh well. At least no more pain. I might even sleep.

Its hard to believe summer is almost over. Emily goes back to school on Tuesday. 7th grade.

Summer has been pretty good. I've spent a lot of time in Baltimore. I like city life. It's so different. Everyone walks everywhere instead of driving, there are parks everywhere, anything you can think of in walking distance, and so many people. I also like where I live, I don't see myself ever living in a city, the schools are crap, its dangerous, def not a place to raise children, but I like that I have many friends there.

Ben moved to a nice apt. I like it. It's kinda like my second home. So maybe I do kinda live in the city. He went back to work this week. Classes start next week. I would love to see him teach.

Staycation 2015

Staycation 2015 - June 19th - June 28th.

I had to work a half day on June 19th but it was a slow day, just had to make sure everything was in order. I left work around 3 and went home and took the dog for a walk and took Emily to my moms work to celebrate her finishing 6th grade. 

After that I went to Bens house and we walked to the square and got dinner at Plug Uglies while watching the O's game. After dinner we walked to Fells, a lot of walking, we watched the end of the game and then other Leah met up with us. Next thing we know its last call and we go on a hunt for bars in Fells that might sell carry out beer. We ran into my brother and Sean, they were super drunk and my brother kept calling Ben 'Peter Parker' it was funny. We gave up on beer and went to the casino. I don't remember what game we played, black jack maybe? I played some slots. We did not win anything. Then we got some pizza and finally went home. 

Saturday I got up early and went home and got ready for my volunteer shift at Eastport A Rockin', a super fun local music festival. I was only supposed to volunteer till 2 but ended up staying till 7:30 because they were short staffed. It was lots of fun! Then I used the tips and gifts cards I got for being a volunteer and got carry out, crab cakes and calamari, fancy food, Emily loved it. I went home and fell asleep from exhaustion. 

Sunday I got up too early to go to a horrible buffet for fathers day. Not with my dad, with my grandfather and all his kids and grandkids. Then I went to pick up Ben and we went out on the boat with my mom, Shane, Christi, Thomas, Sean, Greg, and Emily. It was sooooooo fun, I promised Ben he would have fun and he did. We went to Dobbins Island and climbed up to the top and overlooked the cliff and had a good talk. After the boat he came back to my house and made Emily and I tacos, then he played Disney trivia games with Emily and watched the Rescuers with her. It made me so happy to see them interact.

Monday I took Ben home, came back and took Emily clothes shopping, made her a quick dinner and went to Ben's soccer game. He won of course. After that we rushed to the square to watch the USA womens world cup quarterfinals game, they won, it was exciting. Then we went back to my house, Bens heat broke, it was awful there.

Tuesday I took Emily to the beach for the day. It was perfect. It was like 90 degrees but since we were at the ocean it felt cooler and it was breezy, and the ocean is just so pretty and smells so good. We got dinner and ate at my moms friends condo, third floor balcany overlooking the ocean. Then I drove back home through a terrible storm, wind and rain and lightning like you wouldn't believe. Once home I took a quick shower and met Ben at a bar near my house to watch the Japan game, they won, I forget who they played, then we went to the grocery store and bought a six pound pork shoulder. We made a dry rub for it and let it marinate overnight.

Wednesday Ben and I went fishing (after putting the pork shoulder in the crock pot), he caught a baby bass, we let it go. It was perfect weather. He went home to change and get his soccer stuff, I went home and got the pork ready for dinner, he came back and made a apple salsa and we had amazing carnitas tacos. Then we went to play soccer, we lost, I was nervous that Ben was playing with me haha but I did ok, not my best game, all together as a team pretty awful, we shall see if he plays with us again. 

Thursday I made Emily pancakes and bacon, then met Ben after his tutoring shift to watch the O's game. We made up a game to play while watching the game. I lost. It was fun though. We went back to my house to make Emily some dinner and hang out with her for a bit before going to Buffalo Wild Wings, our Thursday night spot. There has maybe been two or three Thursdays this year that we didn't go, the bartender brings us our drinks before we even have to ask, and this time the bar was crowded so we sat a a bar table and at the end of the night the bartender gave us a hard time for "cheating on him" because we didn't sit at the bar, we also play trivia and in early June we got a really good score and our trivia name is listed as like the third highest and every now and then you can see it on the trivia screen with the other top scorers. Nerds, yes, but Thursdays are the best! 

Friday Ben finally went home, hoping the A/C repair guy would come, but he did not. I took Emily to the movies and then went to my sisters house to watch USA vs. China, USA won! It was a good game, we ate leftover pork and I fell into a food coma. I went home and went to bed. 

Saturday I hung out at home with Emily till afternoon and she went to a friends house so I went to Bens, it was hot. He was hungover, though wouldn't admit it, he very rarely gets hungover, its not fair. We ordered pizza and watched soccer. Later in the night we went to the square to meet up with some of his friends, I didn't stay long because I told Emily I would pick her and Lilly up to sleepover at my house. 

Sunday I took Lilly home, dropped Emily off at my moms house and went to meet Ben and Jason to go to the O's game. We went to Pickles beforehand and their friend Aaron met us there. We went to the game and although the seats were pretty bad it was really fun, we played the game we invented and once again I lost. The O's won. After the game we went back to Pickles, then went to Fells and got hot dogs at this fancy hot dog place. Mine had crab meat and mac n cheese on it. I also got duck fat fries. Then we went to this bar where Bens friend was, he had won an emmy over the weekend and was showing it off. I held it. Then I went back to Bens house and fell asleep on the floor, woke up and showed up at the end of dinner at my moms house. I went home and went to bed. 

Awesome week.

2015 so far

Its already February. This year is already going by too fast. Busy work time is already here. Cold weather is the norm, snow has already fallen quite a few times, and my friends are quickly turning 30. Lots of January/Feb bdays.

So the holidays were good. Not too much family drama. My mom composed herself pretty well around Hillary (H stole several hundred bucks from my mom and of course denys it). My cousin announced she was prego and was later caught chugging champagne, and that was the extent of drama. New Years was low key. Quote from Ben "If someone told me last year that I would wake up on next New Years with a new improved Leah (his good friend is also named Leah) who has a daughter named Emily, which is the name of my girlfriend now, I would say they are crazy." I kinda hate that his ex is an Emily. He introduces me as Leah 2.0, an upgraded Leah.

Ben says we will most likely get married, that I'm the only girl he's ever even thought about marrying. He says he thinks he's in love with me. Silly boy. I like spending time with him, but I don't see us getting married. Maybe things could change though.

Fucking pain meds...

so it's no secret I don't care much for my father... For the past 14 years all I pretty much remember is him being addicted to pain meds and going through withdrawal and always making everything about his pills... A true addict. Pills over family. Everytime.

So today he was admitted to a mental hospital. Shepherd Pratt. He tried to OD over the weekend. Why end up in the looney bin?! Any attempted suicide I know of had to stay at hospital for observation but not end up in the looney bin. Has he really lost his mind?! 

My uncle was schizophrenic, he killed himself in jail. My grandfather was an alcoholic, he killed himself because he couldn't stop. Now my dad... Is suicide genetic somehow?! That's scary to think....

I was always told I have my dads genes.. Blue eyes... Dark hair... I hope nothing else. I clearly don't have an addiction problem. I hear that's genetic. 

How should I feel? Cause all I feel is embarrassed and worried mental bad health is in my genes.

Anger. I also feel anger. Built up anger from most of my lifetime so far. Things are just fine if he keeps to himself and doesn't try to interfere with our lives. If he dies, then I have to explain to a child why someone would want to die... or do I lie?? Most of my brothers and sisters were lied to about my grandfather... when they found out they were really upset they were lied to... not sure if I want to do that... Why couldn't be as lucky as Emily and grown up without a father... 

Dreams and stuff...

I had a dream about Danny the other night... most likely due to Thanksgiving and the awful memories of Thanksgiving with him. Ugh. Its been over a year since I've drempt of him, not since he's died, and strangely enough no dreams around the one year anniversary of his death.
This dream I was on vacation somewhere with my family. He was there, trying to fit in, trying to be part of the family. I didn't want him there. I didn't want him to be in my life but I was scared of making him mad. The typical dream. Walking on egg shells. Waiting for the bomb to go off. I woke up confused. Your dead, stay out of my head!

In other news... Emily is growing up too fast. Last night she says "you used to smoke right?" "yes" "well thats good, that you quit, thats really good" "Yes Emily I am very happy I quit" "Sometimes on Nickelodeon, well mostly Teen Nick, they have commercials for quiting smoking, they say you have to wear patches, did you have to wear patches? Was it hard to quit?" I told her I barely smoked to begin with and it was easy for me to quit, I just needed to want to do it. She asked me if teenagers ever really smoke. I told her lots of them do, especially in high school. She was very surprised. She's so innocent. I hope she stays so innocent and perfect forever. <3 <3

The past two weekends...

I am kind of a mess. I think I should take a break from boys all together for a while... I was hanging out with Keith and Ben was texting me and K got jealous... then I lied to him and told him I had to go visit a friend who just had a baby... but I really went to go see Ben, I just didn't want him to know I was ditching him for another guy.... lies... bad. 

Ben I watched soccer and football. Nothing really special about it. He made me breakfast. 

He went to visit his family over his school break, Wendesday to Saturday. We were supposed to hang out Saturday night. I was at a party close by to where he lives so I text him around 1am to see where he was to meet up with him. He called me and he was leaving Fells and said I should pick him up. He called me a total of 8 times, half the time saying I should pick him and the other half saying he doesn't want to see me and he hates me. The first time he called me he said I'm his favorite person and we would be married right now if it wasn't for Emily. I think thats when he started being mean, because I'm sure I had something not so nice to say about that.I don't recall. I was at a bar near Mikes house and I kept asking Matt to walk me to my car which was like three blocks away. Baltimore is scary, never walk alone at night! So finally after 30 minutes I give up on seeing Ben, I'm still at the bar at this point because nobody will walk me to my car and Ben has repeatedly told me to not come over. I told him someone else was trying to take me home and he said he didn't care. Fine. 

Matt tried to walk me to my car. He said he couldn't find Mikes house and we should just go to his house because I shouldn't drive. Honestly, a good decision, I could not drive. So I went to Matts. Compared to Bens house, it was super clean. Like super super clean. Ben is messy.

Matt came to friendsgiving at my moms house last weekend. He showed up with Mike and Cait, not sure if they invited him or if he invited himself, but it was a surprise when he showed up. He was giving off a flirty vibe all night. It was weird. I've known him for 7 or 8 years, he's never tried to flirt with me before. Maybe because anytime we ever hung out one or both of us were seeing someone else. Then this weekend when we both were at Mikes party I was getting that same vibe again. I did make out with him, he made some comment like "finally" or something. I laughed at him and said "like you've ever thought about kissing me before" and he looked at me with a super serious face and said "you have no idea." Ok weird. I slept on the couch. I can't throw a third guy in the mix. He's cool though. Successful, clean, cute, close with his family, he knows Emily, he works in finance, and although I don't really know him too well, he seems like a really nice guy. 

Like I said. I think I need a break.

I apparently text Ben and told him I hate him. Twice. Then I text him and told him I stayed at Mike and Caits. Lies. First weekend I didn't see Ben since I've met him I think. We are still talking though. 

I didn't give Matt my phone number. 

I haven't heard from Keith since I ditched him for Ben. 

Maybe I should not see any of them for the month of December. Yeah right. 

5 months...

Friday was 5 months since I've met Ben.

Friday night I went to happy hour with Meg. I went home and showered and then back out to meet Meg. Got really bored with the bar scene and left to go to Brookes to hang out with her and Merry. Lots of fun. Love ladies night with those girls. I fell asleep on the couch and woke up and went home despite Keith begging me to come over. I was almost about to go to bed when Ben called and told me to come over.
He was genuinely happy to see me. He even told me how happy he was that I was there, and said "your my favorite person that I hate" thanks Ben. He also said we will eventually get married. Not now, but eventually... when Emily is 40 and I'm 70. Good math Ben. He asked me what he was to me. I said he was Ben. Great answer I know. He said he thinks he's just my toy, and he's ok with that. Thats when he said we were not going to get married now but later so its cool.
Its Tuesday and I miss him like crazy. I don't even know if I will see him this weekend because of the Annapolis half marathon. I wonder if he misses me.

Dreams

I had such a weird dream last night, I always mean to write dreams down but I never do.

The earliest in the dream I can remember was me pursuing several different men, one was Tom from the Blacklist (hahahaha), one was an older guy who was a surgeon ($$$) and the rest were random guys, and I was walking outside this hotel and heading towards the pool when I see one of the guys and I try to walk by without him noticing me, but then somehow all of them show up and starting yelling at each other and yelling at me demanding explanations... then the next thing I remember is going to a house that I guess I lived at and packing it up, I'm not sure where I was taking everything, but it was taking way too long, and getting complicated, obstacles kept arising, such as not being able to park close enough to load stuff in the car, help not showing up, etc.
The next thing I remember is being at a wedding at a fancy hotel. I was sitting with my sister, Alex Long, and someone else. We were drinking cocktails and chatting. I started to feel a little drunk and called out Alex for not inviting me to her and Lenny's open house kitchen revealing (which I did find out about yesterday and was offended for not being invited). She apologized. I started feeling really drunk and although I tried my best to hide how drunk I was I kept tripping or slurring, and at one point I even fell forward on a chair and briefly passed out (I remember feeling myself falling forward on the chair and then suddenly realized I had my eyes closed), it was very realistic. I stood up super embarrassed and looked around to see if anyone noticed. I then walked out of the room to the elevator and took it to my floor, When I got to my room there were several people there, I talked to them for a while and realized I was starting to feel less drunk and felt much better.
I talked to the bride for a bit, she was a larger girl (unfamiliar in real life). I then remember over hearing my sister and her husband talking about having a baby and my sister was saying she wanted to start trying after October is over. I was super happy to hear this and also very jealous.

Another epic weekend

Emily had a soccer game Friday. It was great, intense, and Jess & Greg, and Sarah & her Ben, and cousin Kyle all came to watch, and they enjoyed it despite the 40 degree weather.

Later Friday night I went to hang out with Keith and his roommate Gianmarco and Kira, it was lots of fun, stayed there till 3:30, I was all impressed I stayed up so late and then Ben called and wanted to hang out, what are the odds I would actually be awake at 3:30?! So I go to his house, and we listen to youtube vidoes of old 90's rock music and sang along and drank whiskey, oh my gosh it was fun, then he busts out a guitar and starts playing me a bunch of songs, I had no idea he played guitar, ahhhhh I love it. We stayed up till almost 6 before finally falling asleep. I watched a little bit of soccer with him in the morning and then headed out to Heavy Seas brewery to meet the crew from last night for a chili festival, so much fun. The rest of the evening I relaxed, chugged water and went to bed early so I wouldn't be hung over for the 10k Across the Bay! I was super nervous to run over the bay bridge but it was actually pretty cool and lots of fun, met up with bootcamp friends at the finish and then my two good friends and we went out for a snack and then back to my moms house for dinner and games, then finally home and in bed early because it was such an exhausting weekend. But good.

Ben and I don't talk during the week. But we do play words with friends. Yes, nerdy. It has a messenger feature, and lately he has been messaging me,.. Thursday he was just being silly, and on Sunday he was asking about the bridge run. Baby steps... maybe soon we can be snap chat friends again hahaha and then maybe actually text each other instead of facebook message.... whoa maybe...

He called me last week, Sunday night, he sounded wasted, he said he thinks we should be a couple since we hang out all the time and hate each other, and thats what most couples are like. I thought it was cute and funny. He said he wanted to watch the Ravens/Steelers game with me that night but then didn't answer his phone, I text him saying I was coming over and he text back 25 minutes later saying he wasn't home and I didn't hear from him again till that Monday morning and he text me (real texts lol) and said he was sorry and he's a huge dickface. I said "yeah I know"

After I write all this down I feel like an idiot for still talking to him and seeing him and getting excited over him actually being nice to me. I know I need to talk to him and figure out what it is we are doing, but I kind of like it simple, but I do miss him a lot during the week. I want to know how he feels, Ugh. I hate him.

Oh what a weekend...

Lets start with the date... actually went really well, he was nice, conversation was good, I taught him about fantasy football, we had a couple drinks and called it a night. I text him when I got letting him know I got home fine and thanks for the drinks, he texted back saying he had a great time and he was caught off guard by how good looking I was... then I never heard from him again. Weird. Whatever.

I went to see Ben Saturday morning, the usual soccer game on tv. I left my jacket by accident, I text him later saying I left it and he said I will just have to come back soon and get it, and then he got all excited that I would have to come back. 

My very good friend Mike got married Saturday night. I think Cait doesn't like me, she never goes with him when we hang out. But seeing the two of them together was awesome, very much in love, very happy, it was beautiful. I cried. It was a really fun night. 

Sunday morning I went to see Ben. We went to breakfast. He sat across from me and started staring at me with a weird look, like you know, that look... and I asked him why he was staring at me, and he smiled and said "I'm just really glad you started talking to me at the bar that one night" referring to the night that we met. WTF!?!? Remember when you said you hated me Ben?! Remember when you said you choose blondie over me because she doesn't have a kid!? I hate boys. 

Blah

Almost three weeks into invisalign, on my second tray, I can tell a difference on the top but not the bottom, I'm excited to see the next trays! I am getting used to having something constantly in my mouth, somewhat getting used to brushing my teeth 5 times a day, and seriously missing red wine. I think because I have to leave this tray in for 4 extra days I am going to designate a couple hours to a bottle of red wine on one of those days.

I have seen Ben twice... I shouldn't... but I did. He facebook messaged me wanting to see me, I was a little hurt he actually deleted my number, he said he was sorry and he missed me and doesn't hate me, etc., so I made him wait 6 hours then I hung out with him. It was nice to see him. I saw him again a week later. I spent a couple hours or so with him... we talked about life... how we ended up to be who we are... I need to stop seeing him.
I have a date tomorrow with a guy who likes to run and likes soccer and is cool with me having a kid... but he's in the air force, divorced, and I dunno... I guess I will just wait and see how it goes.
I miss Ben. There is so much about him that I really like, yet some things I hate.

week one...

Its been a week of invisalign, I can already tell a difference, beside the soreness and discomfort, I actually see a difference!! One week down, 45 to go...

Its been 4 days since I've spoken to Ben. I am still pretty angry at him... but getting better.... I can't help but think about the good times we had, and the super nice things he used to say me... and then I get super angry, how did end up to be such an asshole. Its ok... I'm better off... I'm ok...

What to do

So I talked to Ben.

He said that girl is lots of fun to hang out but crazy, not his type of girl, he likes me, wants to keep seeing me, which is why he has continued to see me.

I dunno.

He wants to make it official, or call it off.

He said a lot of honest stuff, it was nice to talk to him.

I want to be with him. I just want him to act like he wants to be with me. His excuses for being distant aren't quite good enough.

I dunno I dunno. I would like to talk to him in person, not on the phone. He's not coming to soccer tonight. I asked him if we could talk on Thursday and his response was "Orioles play on Thursday" right, ok, so thats a no?

My roommate is driving me bonkers. She asked me last night if it was ok if went to this party, sure I'm not going anywhere, I don't care. BUT she didn't come home, she calls me at 8 saying she was stuck behind a bus and can Emily please walk Gavin to the bus, which comes at 8:08, well Gavin had gotten himself dressed, but needed breakfast, Emily was busy getting ready and eating breakfast, so she had to stop eating and take him. Poor kid, I heard him when he got up calling for her, sorry but your mommy isn't home because she went to a party last night and spent the night out and didn't wake up in time to get you to the bus or to make you breakfast or make sure your good for picture day. He's 5!! I said something to her, she said she's not happy with herself and it won't happen again. It better not, she will lose custody, you can't do that shit!

Ugh

What happened.

Everything was going fine. When I was on vacation, Ben missed me, he couldn't wait till I came back. Then the next weekend he didn't want to hang out. He wouldn't tell me why, said I would be mad. We went to the O's game on labor day. Had a great time. He came over on that Thursday, I made him dinner and we watched football. I went to a wedding that weekend so I didn't see him for 10 days, because he was "busy."

While at wedding I see a pic he is tagged in on Facebook, with a blonde girl, it was a questionable picture.

I didnt bring it up. He tried to get me to go to happy hour the following weekend but I went to a wedding with Keith instead. I did go to Bens house that Sunday though, after 10 days of not seeing each other, he didn't seem too excited to see me, except that I brought Chipotle, he was happy about that. The night before he was tagged by the blonde girl at Rams Head.

He joined my soccer team, the first game was the Wednesday after I brought him Chipotle, He met me after work and came to my house to watch soccer before going to soccer. He kissed me goodbye in front of Emily.

I went to his house that Saturday morning to watch soccer with him. I went to my sisters party after that and I didn't talk to him that night. The next morning I look at facebook to see if Blondie tagged him in anything. No, worse, he posted a pic of the two of them. Really?! Then even better, his relationship status was updated and it said he was in a relationship with her. I immediately texted him, he said he got really drunk and he's not in a relationship, not with her, and I guess not with me. The status went away, but the picture didn't. I decided to not make a huge deal. If he doesn't want to be in a relationship then fine.

We had a soccer game on Wednesday, again he kissed me goodbye. It was awkward.

Friday we went to happy hour. It was really fun. I figured if he's spending so much time with me that maybe the other girl is nothing and I'm reading into it too much.

Saturday night I spent the night in Bmore with Natalie. Ben said he wanted to hang out sometime on Sunday since I was in the area. I ended up meeting him after the football game for a bit.

I get home Sunday night and now Facebook has two new photos of them, one of them looked like they were yelling into each others mouthes, not quite kissing but close enough, the other one was a cute picture, if you saw it you would think aww what a cute couple. The photos were old, not from Sunday, unless he changed his clothes and went out as soon as I left. Then there were more... he was tagged in photos from earlier in the month. The first one was on September 1st. I was at the O's game with him that day!? Must have been from that weekend, the one when he dind't want to hang out with me. Another one was when I was away for a weekend at a wedding. Another one was a day I was with him all day. Doesn't make sense but he's clearly been seeing both of us all month. Sometimes the same day.

So I commented on one of the pics, just said "really,,,"

The pic vanished. The rest are still there though.

I don't want to see him again. He is supposed to make me dinner before soccer on Wednesday.

I wonder if he will show up to soccer. I wonder if the other girl knows I exist. I wonder why he continues to see me when he clearly likes this other girl. He doesn't post pics of us, or even take pics of us. Why meet me yesterday? Why join the soccer team? I don't get it. Why post pics on facebook when I'm clearly going to see them?? Does he think that I wouldn't care if he's with someone else?!?!?

I liked him. :(

I met up with one of my friends Sat night and one of his friends who I've met several times was there and he is single now, he's a CPA and said he can help me pass the exam, We got way too drunk though, not sure if he wants to hang out again, I cna't remember much of the end of the night. I gave him my number though cause he called me to give me his, but I don't remember that haha. Our mutual friend is getting married in October, so I at least will see him there.

I'm angry. I'm hurt. The only reason I want to see Nick again is because I'm mad at Ben. I almost called Keith last night to see if he wants to hang out, ughhhh Leah no, I don't know what to do.

I haven't talked to Ben since I left his house yesterday. He must know I'm mad. He took down the picture. I'm kind of surprised the Blonde chic didn't question my comment, I'm sure she asked him about me, right?

Ok back to work. Done venting.

Friday!

I'm in a good mood today.

I took my exam last night. Its going to be close. Either just passing or just below passing. No point in worrying about it now. Its done, its over, I don't have to study anymore (for now).

Its Friday! yay!! I'm having lunch with one of my fav's!! At one of my fav places, outside and its sooooo nice out, then I'm leaving work early and hopefully meeting up with Ben for happy hour, then meeting up with Merry and then having a draft party at my house, then its a three day weekend! Yes, its a good day.

I also finally got decent sleep.

Boating tomorrow.

Emily loves middle school so far. She is in AVID!! Yay!!

Keith has been trying to hang out, not sure what to do, I like him and want to keep him around but I don't want to lead him on and then be like oh sorry I'm with Ben and I'm a jerk for leading you on for nothing. He's been trying to hang out for like over a month and I keep making up excuses, but he hasn't given up, which doesn't make sense, he's a good looking guy, he's fun, he's smart, he's very unique, he can get any girl he wants, why does he keep calling me? I'm older than him, I don't go out every weekend like he does, we are so different, I dunno, seems kind of messed up to keep him around just in case things don't work out with Ben. Ben is the better choice, he's a little older than Keith, he has a masters degree, a great teaching job, he's into soccer, and the Ravens and the Orioles, and Game of Thrones, and Naked and Afraid, and he seems way more in to me than Keith. Keith has a close family though, family is a big priority to him. Ben is kinda close with his brother but doesn't care much for the rest of his family. His brother plays semi professional soccer for OKC Energy, which is what Ben wished he does, so he kind of idolizes his baby brother. I watched one of his games on a a live utube feed, it was pretty cool.

Stupid picture is sideways.

Ok back to work.

Ben again....

One night I met up with Ben, he was a little drunk, but he was a happy drunk.
He told me I was his favorite person in the world.

A couple weeks later I noticed Ben got an okcupid notification on his phone.
I questioned it. He said he has commitment problems. Doesn't make sense.
He apologized.

I went away for the weekend. He wanted to hang out as soon as I got back.

He is going away for a little while. He said he wanted to hang out the night before he left.
He said he wanted to go to my soccer game.
He said he wanted to stay at my house that night.
He totally blew me off.

He said he was going to Delaware, then going to the beach, then coming back to Baltimore to play his soccer game on Sunday and then flying to Denver. He didn't say when he was coming back from Denver but he didn't make it sound like he was going for more than a couple days.

So I got mad at him for standing me up. Would have been nice to see him before he left.
He said he was sorry.
He said he won't be gone forever.
I said I'm leaving on the 17th.
He said he won't be back by then.

How?! He said he goes back to work on the 18th.
He also said he would be in town on Sunday.
I'm trying so hard to not get upset.
I'm trying so hard not to care.
Sometimes he's really great, like really great.
Sometimes I feel like I'm just the girl thats around till something better comes along.

I dont know.

I like him. I thought he liked me. He told me how much me liked me.
Am I really just very insecure? I thought I know better.