Fucking pain meds...

so it's no secret I don't care much for my father... For the past 14 years all I pretty much remember is him being addicted to pain meds and going through withdrawal and always making everything about his pills... A true addict. Pills over family. Everytime.

So today he was admitted to a mental hospital. Shepherd Pratt. He tried to OD over the weekend. Why end up in the looney bin?! Any attempted suicide I know of had to stay at hospital for observation but not end up in the looney bin. Has he really lost his mind?! 

My uncle was schizophrenic, he killed himself in jail. My grandfather was an alcoholic, he killed himself because he couldn't stop. Now my dad... Is suicide genetic somehow?! That's scary to think....

I was always told I have my dads genes.. Blue eyes... Dark hair... I hope nothing else. I clearly don't have an addiction problem. I hear that's genetic. 

How should I feel? Cause all I feel is embarrassed and worried mental bad health is in my genes.

Anger. I also feel anger. Built up anger from most of my lifetime so far. Things are just fine if he keeps to himself and doesn't try to interfere with our lives. If he dies, then I have to explain to a child why someone would want to die... or do I lie?? Most of my brothers and sisters were lied to about my grandfather... when they found out they were really upset they were lied to... not sure if I want to do that... Why couldn't be as lucky as Emily and grown up without a father... 

Dreams and stuff...

I had a dream about Danny the other night... most likely due to Thanksgiving and the awful memories of Thanksgiving with him. Ugh. Its been over a year since I've drempt of him, not since he's died, and strangely enough no dreams around the one year anniversary of his death.
This dream I was on vacation somewhere with my family. He was there, trying to fit in, trying to be part of the family. I didn't want him there. I didn't want him to be in my life but I was scared of making him mad. The typical dream. Walking on egg shells. Waiting for the bomb to go off. I woke up confused. Your dead, stay out of my head!

In other news... Emily is growing up too fast. Last night she says "you used to smoke right?" "yes" "well thats good, that you quit, thats really good" "Yes Emily I am very happy I quit" "Sometimes on Nickelodeon, well mostly Teen Nick, they have commercials for quiting smoking, they say you have to wear patches, did you have to wear patches? Was it hard to quit?" I told her I barely smoked to begin with and it was easy for me to quit, I just needed to want to do it. She asked me if teenagers ever really smoke. I told her lots of them do, especially in high school. She was very surprised. She's so innocent. I hope she stays so innocent and perfect forever. <3 <3

The past two weekends...

I am kind of a mess. I think I should take a break from boys all together for a while... I was hanging out with Keith and Ben was texting me and K got jealous... then I lied to him and told him I had to go visit a friend who just had a baby... but I really went to go see Ben, I just didn't want him to know I was ditching him for another guy.... lies... bad. 

Ben I watched soccer and football. Nothing really special about it. He made me breakfast. 

He went to visit his family over his school break, Wendesday to Saturday. We were supposed to hang out Saturday night. I was at a party close by to where he lives so I text him around 1am to see where he was to meet up with him. He called me and he was leaving Fells and said I should pick him up. He called me a total of 8 times, half the time saying I should pick him and the other half saying he doesn't want to see me and he hates me. The first time he called me he said I'm his favorite person and we would be married right now if it wasn't for Emily. I think thats when he started being mean, because I'm sure I had something not so nice to say about that.I don't recall. I was at a bar near Mikes house and I kept asking Matt to walk me to my car which was like three blocks away. Baltimore is scary, never walk alone at night! So finally after 30 minutes I give up on seeing Ben, I'm still at the bar at this point because nobody will walk me to my car and Ben has repeatedly told me to not come over. I told him someone else was trying to take me home and he said he didn't care. Fine. 

Matt tried to walk me to my car. He said he couldn't find Mikes house and we should just go to his house because I shouldn't drive. Honestly, a good decision, I could not drive. So I went to Matts. Compared to Bens house, it was super clean. Like super super clean. Ben is messy.

Matt came to friendsgiving at my moms house last weekend. He showed up with Mike and Cait, not sure if they invited him or if he invited himself, but it was a surprise when he showed up. He was giving off a flirty vibe all night. It was weird. I've known him for 7 or 8 years, he's never tried to flirt with me before. Maybe because anytime we ever hung out one or both of us were seeing someone else. Then this weekend when we both were at Mikes party I was getting that same vibe again. I did make out with him, he made some comment like "finally" or something. I laughed at him and said "like you've ever thought about kissing me before" and he looked at me with a super serious face and said "you have no idea." Ok weird. I slept on the couch. I can't throw a third guy in the mix. He's cool though. Successful, clean, cute, close with his family, he knows Emily, he works in finance, and although I don't really know him too well, he seems like a really nice guy. 

Like I said. I think I need a break.

I apparently text Ben and told him I hate him. Twice. Then I text him and told him I stayed at Mike and Caits. Lies. First weekend I didn't see Ben since I've met him I think. We are still talking though. 

I didn't give Matt my phone number. 

I haven't heard from Keith since I ditched him for Ben. 

Maybe I should not see any of them for the month of December. Yeah right. 

5 months...

Friday was 5 months since I've met Ben.

Friday night I went to happy hour with Meg. I went home and showered and then back out to meet Meg. Got really bored with the bar scene and left to go to Brookes to hang out with her and Merry. Lots of fun. Love ladies night with those girls. I fell asleep on the couch and woke up and went home despite Keith begging me to come over. I was almost about to go to bed when Ben called and told me to come over.
He was genuinely happy to see me. He even told me how happy he was that I was there, and said "your my favorite person that I hate" thanks Ben. He also said we will eventually get married. Not now, but eventually... when Emily is 40 and I'm 70. Good math Ben. He asked me what he was to me. I said he was Ben. Great answer I know. He said he thinks he's just my toy, and he's ok with that. Thats when he said we were not going to get married now but later so its cool.
Its Tuesday and I miss him like crazy. I don't even know if I will see him this weekend because of the Annapolis half marathon. I wonder if he misses me.

Dreams

I had such a weird dream last night, I always mean to write dreams down but I never do.

The earliest in the dream I can remember was me pursuing several different men, one was Tom from the Blacklist (hahahaha), one was an older guy who was a surgeon ($$$) and the rest were random guys, and I was walking outside this hotel and heading towards the pool when I see one of the guys and I try to walk by without him noticing me, but then somehow all of them show up and starting yelling at each other and yelling at me demanding explanations... then the next thing I remember is going to a house that I guess I lived at and packing it up, I'm not sure where I was taking everything, but it was taking way too long, and getting complicated, obstacles kept arising, such as not being able to park close enough to load stuff in the car, help not showing up, etc.
The next thing I remember is being at a wedding at a fancy hotel. I was sitting with my sister, Alex Long, and someone else. We were drinking cocktails and chatting. I started to feel a little drunk and called out Alex for not inviting me to her and Lenny's open house kitchen revealing (which I did find out about yesterday and was offended for not being invited). She apologized. I started feeling really drunk and although I tried my best to hide how drunk I was I kept tripping or slurring, and at one point I even fell forward on a chair and briefly passed out (I remember feeling myself falling forward on the chair and then suddenly realized I had my eyes closed), it was very realistic. I stood up super embarrassed and looked around to see if anyone noticed. I then walked out of the room to the elevator and took it to my floor, When I got to my room there were several people there, I talked to them for a while and realized I was starting to feel less drunk and felt much better.
I talked to the bride for a bit, she was a larger girl (unfamiliar in real life). I then remember over hearing my sister and her husband talking about having a baby and my sister was saying she wanted to start trying after October is over. I was super happy to hear this and also very jealous.

Another epic weekend

Emily had a soccer game Friday. It was great, intense, and Jess & Greg, and Sarah & her Ben, and cousin Kyle all came to watch, and they enjoyed it despite the 40 degree weather.

Later Friday night I went to hang out with Keith and his roommate Gianmarco and Kira, it was lots of fun, stayed there till 3:30, I was all impressed I stayed up so late and then Ben called and wanted to hang out, what are the odds I would actually be awake at 3:30?! So I go to his house, and we listen to youtube vidoes of old 90's rock music and sang along and drank whiskey, oh my gosh it was fun, then he busts out a guitar and starts playing me a bunch of songs, I had no idea he played guitar, ahhhhh I love it. We stayed up till almost 6 before finally falling asleep. I watched a little bit of soccer with him in the morning and then headed out to Heavy Seas brewery to meet the crew from last night for a chili festival, so much fun. The rest of the evening I relaxed, chugged water and went to bed early so I wouldn't be hung over for the 10k Across the Bay! I was super nervous to run over the bay bridge but it was actually pretty cool and lots of fun, met up with bootcamp friends at the finish and then my two good friends and we went out for a snack and then back to my moms house for dinner and games, then finally home and in bed early because it was such an exhausting weekend. But good.

Ben and I don't talk during the week. But we do play words with friends. Yes, nerdy. It has a messenger feature, and lately he has been messaging me,.. Thursday he was just being silly, and on Sunday he was asking about the bridge run. Baby steps... maybe soon we can be snap chat friends again hahaha and then maybe actually text each other instead of facebook message.... whoa maybe...

He called me last week, Sunday night, he sounded wasted, he said he thinks we should be a couple since we hang out all the time and hate each other, and thats what most couples are like. I thought it was cute and funny. He said he wanted to watch the Ravens/Steelers game with me that night but then didn't answer his phone, I text him saying I was coming over and he text back 25 minutes later saying he wasn't home and I didn't hear from him again till that Monday morning and he text me (real texts lol) and said he was sorry and he's a huge dickface. I said "yeah I know"

After I write all this down I feel like an idiot for still talking to him and seeing him and getting excited over him actually being nice to me. I know I need to talk to him and figure out what it is we are doing, but I kind of like it simple, but I do miss him a lot during the week. I want to know how he feels, Ugh. I hate him.

Oh what a weekend...

Lets start with the date... actually went really well, he was nice, conversation was good, I taught him about fantasy football, we had a couple drinks and called it a night. I text him when I got letting him know I got home fine and thanks for the drinks, he texted back saying he had a great time and he was caught off guard by how good looking I was... then I never heard from him again. Weird. Whatever.

I went to see Ben Saturday morning, the usual soccer game on tv. I left my jacket by accident, I text him later saying I left it and he said I will just have to come back soon and get it, and then he got all excited that I would have to come back. 

My very good friend Mike got married Saturday night. I think Cait doesn't like me, she never goes with him when we hang out. But seeing the two of them together was awesome, very much in love, very happy, it was beautiful. I cried. It was a really fun night. 

Sunday morning I went to see Ben. We went to breakfast. He sat across from me and started staring at me with a weird look, like you know, that look... and I asked him why he was staring at me, and he smiled and said "I'm just really glad you started talking to me at the bar that one night" referring to the night that we met. WTF!?!? Remember when you said you hated me Ben?! Remember when you said you choose blondie over me because she doesn't have a kid!? I hate boys. 

Blah

Almost three weeks into invisalign, on my second tray, I can tell a difference on the top but not the bottom, I'm excited to see the next trays! I am getting used to having something constantly in my mouth, somewhat getting used to brushing my teeth 5 times a day, and seriously missing red wine. I think because I have to leave this tray in for 4 extra days I am going to designate a couple hours to a bottle of red wine on one of those days.

I have seen Ben twice... I shouldn't... but I did. He facebook messaged me wanting to see me, I was a little hurt he actually deleted my number, he said he was sorry and he missed me and doesn't hate me, etc., so I made him wait 6 hours then I hung out with him. It was nice to see him. I saw him again a week later. I spent a couple hours or so with him... we talked about life... how we ended up to be who we are... I need to stop seeing him.
I have a date tomorrow with a guy who likes to run and likes soccer and is cool with me having a kid... but he's in the air force, divorced, and I dunno... I guess I will just wait and see how it goes.
I miss Ben. There is so much about him that I really like, yet some things I hate.

week one...

Its been a week of invisalign, I can already tell a difference, beside the soreness and discomfort, I actually see a difference!! One week down, 45 to go...

Its been 4 days since I've spoken to Ben. I am still pretty angry at him... but getting better.... I can't help but think about the good times we had, and the super nice things he used to say me... and then I get super angry, how did end up to be such an asshole. Its ok... I'm better off... I'm ok...

What to do

So I talked to Ben.

He said that girl is lots of fun to hang out but crazy, not his type of girl, he likes me, wants to keep seeing me, which is why he has continued to see me.

I dunno.

He wants to make it official, or call it off.

He said a lot of honest stuff, it was nice to talk to him.

I want to be with him. I just want him to act like he wants to be with me. His excuses for being distant aren't quite good enough.

I dunno I dunno. I would like to talk to him in person, not on the phone. He's not coming to soccer tonight. I asked him if we could talk on Thursday and his response was "Orioles play on Thursday" right, ok, so thats a no?

My roommate is driving me bonkers. She asked me last night if it was ok if went to this party, sure I'm not going anywhere, I don't care. BUT she didn't come home, she calls me at 8 saying she was stuck behind a bus and can Emily please walk Gavin to the bus, which comes at 8:08, well Gavin had gotten himself dressed, but needed breakfast, Emily was busy getting ready and eating breakfast, so she had to stop eating and take him. Poor kid, I heard him when he got up calling for her, sorry but your mommy isn't home because she went to a party last night and spent the night out and didn't wake up in time to get you to the bus or to make you breakfast or make sure your good for picture day. He's 5!! I said something to her, she said she's not happy with herself and it won't happen again. It better not, she will lose custody, you can't do that shit!

Ugh

What happened.

Everything was going fine. When I was on vacation, Ben missed me, he couldn't wait till I came back. Then the next weekend he didn't want to hang out. He wouldn't tell me why, said I would be mad. We went to the O's game on labor day. Had a great time. He came over on that Thursday, I made him dinner and we watched football. I went to a wedding that weekend so I didn't see him for 10 days, because he was "busy."

While at wedding I see a pic he is tagged in on Facebook, with a blonde girl, it was a questionable picture.

I didnt bring it up. He tried to get me to go to happy hour the following weekend but I went to a wedding with Keith instead. I did go to Bens house that Sunday though, after 10 days of not seeing each other, he didn't seem too excited to see me, except that I brought Chipotle, he was happy about that. The night before he was tagged by the blonde girl at Rams Head.

He joined my soccer team, the first game was the Wednesday after I brought him Chipotle, He met me after work and came to my house to watch soccer before going to soccer. He kissed me goodbye in front of Emily.

I went to his house that Saturday morning to watch soccer with him. I went to my sisters party after that and I didn't talk to him that night. The next morning I look at facebook to see if Blondie tagged him in anything. No, worse, he posted a pic of the two of them. Really?! Then even better, his relationship status was updated and it said he was in a relationship with her. I immediately texted him, he said he got really drunk and he's not in a relationship, not with her, and I guess not with me. The status went away, but the picture didn't. I decided to not make a huge deal. If he doesn't want to be in a relationship then fine.

We had a soccer game on Wednesday, again he kissed me goodbye. It was awkward.

Friday we went to happy hour. It was really fun. I figured if he's spending so much time with me that maybe the other girl is nothing and I'm reading into it too much.

Saturday night I spent the night in Bmore with Natalie. Ben said he wanted to hang out sometime on Sunday since I was in the area. I ended up meeting him after the football game for a bit.

I get home Sunday night and now Facebook has two new photos of them, one of them looked like they were yelling into each others mouthes, not quite kissing but close enough, the other one was a cute picture, if you saw it you would think aww what a cute couple. The photos were old, not from Sunday, unless he changed his clothes and went out as soon as I left. Then there were more... he was tagged in photos from earlier in the month. The first one was on September 1st. I was at the O's game with him that day!? Must have been from that weekend, the one when he dind't want to hang out with me. Another one was when I was away for a weekend at a wedding. Another one was a day I was with him all day. Doesn't make sense but he's clearly been seeing both of us all month. Sometimes the same day.

So I commented on one of the pics, just said "really,,,"

The pic vanished. The rest are still there though.

I don't want to see him again. He is supposed to make me dinner before soccer on Wednesday.

I wonder if he will show up to soccer. I wonder if the other girl knows I exist. I wonder why he continues to see me when he clearly likes this other girl. He doesn't post pics of us, or even take pics of us. Why meet me yesterday? Why join the soccer team? I don't get it. Why post pics on facebook when I'm clearly going to see them?? Does he think that I wouldn't care if he's with someone else?!?!?

I liked him. :(

I met up with one of my friends Sat night and one of his friends who I've met several times was there and he is single now, he's a CPA and said he can help me pass the exam, We got way too drunk though, not sure if he wants to hang out again, I cna't remember much of the end of the night. I gave him my number though cause he called me to give me his, but I don't remember that haha. Our mutual friend is getting married in October, so I at least will see him there.

I'm angry. I'm hurt. The only reason I want to see Nick again is because I'm mad at Ben. I almost called Keith last night to see if he wants to hang out, ughhhh Leah no, I don't know what to do.

I haven't talked to Ben since I left his house yesterday. He must know I'm mad. He took down the picture. I'm kind of surprised the Blonde chic didn't question my comment, I'm sure she asked him about me, right?

Ok back to work. Done venting.

Friday!

I'm in a good mood today.

I took my exam last night. Its going to be close. Either just passing or just below passing. No point in worrying about it now. Its done, its over, I don't have to study anymore (for now).

Its Friday! yay!! I'm having lunch with one of my fav's!! At one of my fav places, outside and its sooooo nice out, then I'm leaving work early and hopefully meeting up with Ben for happy hour, then meeting up with Merry and then having a draft party at my house, then its a three day weekend! Yes, its a good day.

I also finally got decent sleep.

Boating tomorrow.

Emily loves middle school so far. She is in AVID!! Yay!!

Keith has been trying to hang out, not sure what to do, I like him and want to keep him around but I don't want to lead him on and then be like oh sorry I'm with Ben and I'm a jerk for leading you on for nothing. He's been trying to hang out for like over a month and I keep making up excuses, but he hasn't given up, which doesn't make sense, he's a good looking guy, he's fun, he's smart, he's very unique, he can get any girl he wants, why does he keep calling me? I'm older than him, I don't go out every weekend like he does, we are so different, I dunno, seems kind of messed up to keep him around just in case things don't work out with Ben. Ben is the better choice, he's a little older than Keith, he has a masters degree, a great teaching job, he's into soccer, and the Ravens and the Orioles, and Game of Thrones, and Naked and Afraid, and he seems way more in to me than Keith. Keith has a close family though, family is a big priority to him. Ben is kinda close with his brother but doesn't care much for the rest of his family. His brother plays semi professional soccer for OKC Energy, which is what Ben wished he does, so he kind of idolizes his baby brother. I watched one of his games on a a live utube feed, it was pretty cool.

Stupid picture is sideways.

Ok back to work.

Ben again....

One night I met up with Ben, he was a little drunk, but he was a happy drunk.
He told me I was his favorite person in the world.

A couple weeks later I noticed Ben got an okcupid notification on his phone.
I questioned it. He said he has commitment problems. Doesn't make sense.
He apologized.

I went away for the weekend. He wanted to hang out as soon as I got back.

He is going away for a little while. He said he wanted to hang out the night before he left.
He said he wanted to go to my soccer game.
He said he wanted to stay at my house that night.
He totally blew me off.

He said he was going to Delaware, then going to the beach, then coming back to Baltimore to play his soccer game on Sunday and then flying to Denver. He didn't say when he was coming back from Denver but he didn't make it sound like he was going for more than a couple days.

So I got mad at him for standing me up. Would have been nice to see him before he left.
He said he was sorry.
He said he won't be gone forever.
I said I'm leaving on the 17th.
He said he won't be back by then.

How?! He said he goes back to work on the 18th.
He also said he would be in town on Sunday.
I'm trying so hard to not get upset.
I'm trying so hard not to care.
Sometimes he's really great, like really great.
Sometimes I feel like I'm just the girl thats around till something better comes along.

I dont know.

I like him. I thought he liked me. He told me how much me liked me.
Am I really just very insecure? I thought I know better.

I like Ben.

He's great :)

Ben...

I ran the Baltimore 10 miler the other weekend, it was a great race, good weather, great finish time, I had hung out with Keith the night before, all was well in the world, and I went out in Baltimore and had some drinks with a few girls and the next thing I know I'm talking to this guy who is 29, he's a teacher, and I'm not sure how long I've been talking to him. I continue talking to him and then gave him my phone number and went to a different bar.
Maybe an hour or so later he texts me and wants to come meet me wherever I am, so I tell him where and he shows up and plays the animal game with me and my friends. Major points for that.
He hang out for a bit and he leaves and the night ends.

Since then I've seen him three more times.

He took me to dinner one night. Took me to a bar another night. Paid for everything both times.

I had him over and made him dinner, he brought wine. He met Emily.

My roommate says he's great, she says we have chemistry.

He's super smart, has an English degree and a masters in education. He teaches at a private school.

He lives alone, which he said he prefers and will continue to till he gets married.

He loves soccer, he plays on three teams.

We are hanging out again tonight. I'm a little nervous about how interested he seems to be in me, I mean I know I'm awesome, but it just seems too fast, I dunno...

I like him.

I met a new boy...

He seems strangely familiar yet we have no common friends and don't recall ever meeting.

We met at a bar crawl, great place to meet I know.

We've hung out twice. Saturday night I went to his house, which is a pretty neat place. Some very odd furniture, but I like it.

He plays the ukulele, and he sang me a bunch of songs, haha it was really really cool.

He's funny too. Hmmm... not sure what to think yet.

Emily is awesome.

I had so much fun with her last night. We went running. She likes running. I love having someone to run with.

She's so funny, telling me how glad she is that I talked her into growing out her bangs, and how she doesn't like her big lips.

On the drive home from dinner she blasted the radio and we yelled/sang the songs together haha

She's not a child anymore, she's a little girl, with a big imagination and a personality that makes me a proud mama.

I really hope she stays sweet and we stay close, I hear stories of moms and their teenage girls and it scares me.

Busy....  work is busy. I haven't had a day off in 10 days now and I don't forsee one utill probably April 5, which I have plans and I refuse to go in.

Its snowing.

WHY IS IT SNOWING!?!??!!?!!?!!?

The A/C is on in my office.

Three more weeks of busy time then its finally time to relax!

I want a dog more and more every day. I really like this dog Lizzie at the SPCA right now, she's a sweety, I wonder if she will still be there in a month.... I will have to wait till I get back from Tulsa because the hotel I booked in TN does not allow pets, and besides I don't know if I want to be in a car with a dog for four days.

Ok back to work....

So its been a good three weeks into the paleo diet.
At first I loved it, I was getting creative with what I was eating.
I was enoying the simplicity, the meats, the veggies, yumm

I want pizza.
I want cheese.
I want beer.

I weighed myself after 8 days and I had lost 4 pounds. I know I've lost more since.
Trying to stay motivated.
Hopefully when I get the shakology it will help, it says it helps with junk food cravings. That better include pizza. I crave pizza!!!!!

I made fruit smoothies almost every morning, I'm not tired of those yet, fruit is expensive though. I've been adding coconut milk instead of juice lately, I'm not supposed to drink most juices.

Lunch is usually a salad with meat and only oil and vinegar for dressing, or I will pack leftovers from dinner. Today I had steak, salad, and zuccini.

Dinner is usually a meat, and some sort of veggies. One night I made speghetti squash and meatballs. That was good. Chicken, pork, burgers, steak, meatballs, salmon.... I'm getting bored, what other meats are there, what is good to pair with it?! I miss potatoes.

I have turkey burgers, salmon, and meatballs at home, and some frozen chicken, I don't want any of that tonight. I had steak last night and for lunch today... maybe I will go to Trader Joes and see what looks good, maybe just roast some veggies with bacon.

Tornado watch till 5. Severe thunderstorm warnings. Oh and its 55 degrees. Quite the change from the 20's. Tomorrow is supposed to hit 60. The snow might finally all melt away. But next week its back in the 30's and its supposed to snow. Crazy MD weather.

Ok back to work.

Plan is Meg moves in on Sunday.
Rick still has furniture and random stuff around house.
Says he can't get a truck till Sunday.
Sunday will be interesting!
Last night Emily spent night out.
I was alone.
I slept the best I have in weeks.

After a few crazy episodes Rick says hes sorry and loves me and will never give up on me.
I don't understand crazy.
If you love me and don't want to lose me then why say all the crazy things?

I let my cat sleep in my room. She is a great alarm clock, slept in the bed, didn't bother me till sun up, then attacked me till I got up haha cats are funny.
Today will be the first day she's alone all day, I wonder if she cares or likes it or is lonely? Do cats get lonely? She will have a cat friend on Sunday, never had a cat friend before, hopefully they get along!
I can't decide if I should wait till tax season is over to get a dog, or wait for my sister to move down the street and get dogs together, or maybe just play it by ear and keep volunteering at the SPCA and when the right dog comes along then snatch it up. I dunno.

I have a meeting at Emilys middle school tonight.... MIDDLE SCHOOL!!!! AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

Changes...

Sometimes I think maybe I am crazy. Maybe my expectations aren't realistic. But then I see all my friends who are married or who are in serious relationships and the way they act towards each other and do things for each other, and I know I'm not crazy.
Its amazing how someone can be wonderful and as soon as they are comfortable they are a totally different person.
Since I've asked Rick to move out things haven't been great, he blames Merry and me for letting it come to this. He thinks I'm crazy for believeing Merry when she says she moved out because of him. Right, shes been lying to me for months about how she can't stand to live with you. Sure Rick, you must know her way better than me.
So February I have no roommate income, and Rick is in a hole and can't pay me till the 21st. Three weeks late. And he's supposed to move out by the 19th.
Not only is it his fault I'm out a roommate, on top of that he can't pay me anything either.
I feel like any person in this situation would feel somewhat obligated to do some extra work around the house or do anything they can to make life a little easier for the person who is super understanding and letting them pay so late. No. No extra help. Nothing. He vaccuumed twice. Thanks. He also ate all my eggs and bread and got all pissy one night when I only made dinner for me. Sorry Rick, I can't afford to feed you and let you live here for free!! I'm not your mom!!!
Long story short, we broke up.
On Valentines Day.
I told him he doesn't meet expectations, and I feel used and taken for granted, and I feel like I give and give and give and get nothing in return, sorry I'm a girl and I need to feel appreciated and loved, and I feel more like a mom than a girlfriend.
I told my brothers the other night that I was gonna break up with him. None of them were surprised. Thomas said I've always been a generous person and would do anything for the people I care about and I deserve to be with someone who would do the same for me, and Rick just isn't that person. So at least I'm not the only one who sees it.
Change will be good.
I will get me house back.
I will clean up all the dog shit in the backyard and plant grass in the spring.
My backyard used to be my favorite place in the world and I get it back.
I will also get my own dog.
Meg and Gav are moving in.
Emily will have a little brother sort of, it will be good for both her and Gavin.
Good things are coming.

After much thinking and debate I finally decided I was going to ask Rick to move out. This has little to do with his behaviour towards Merry. Thats just another example of his reckless behaviour and very little respect for my well being.

When it comes down to it the main reason is simply because I'm not happy.

Rick is in my opinion extremely lazy and irresponsible. Not to mention a mean drunk. I think the only way we have a chance of working out is if he moves out and learns responsibility, and then eventually we actually talk about moving in together, and sharing a home, 50/50, not me being his roommate, where he pays the absolute minimum rent, and does the absolute minimum around the house, no thanks, don't wanna be his roommate, I don't wanna split the bills 80/20, nope sorry.

So Rick didn't take it to well. Said it was icing on the cake, and that I must not love him at all but mostly because I told someone in my family what he said to Merry. I must not love him because I was upset and talked to my mom and sister and told them how he upset me. I'm the bad guy because I told someone what happened.... right, lets not even mention what happened and who did it... I'm the bad guy. He also said he would wait till Feb 19 to move out and not pay me another dime. Along with a lot of swearing, slamming doors, and drunk crazy behaviour.

I have a feeling today he will be a little more level headed and appologize... but lets go back to Wednesday, when I said it is absolutely unexeptable for him to say mean things that he doesn't mean at all with the sole intention of trying to upset me, who does that to people they care about?!?!?!? He swore it would never happen agian. So either he meant everything he said or he broke his 4 day old promise.

He had better start kissing my ass or I will have him kicked out.

I don't understand. He used to be almost perfect. I don't even know who he is anymore.

"I feel sorry for the next guy, after three months you will get bored with him, your pathetic"
Thanks Rick. Thanks for being so understanding. I was more than generous letting you stay way beyond what I agreed to. I'm tired of cleaning up after you, your worse than a child. I hate your dog.

Big changes coming. Meg and Gavin moving in. Merry and Rick moving out. As always I put a smile on my face and I'm greatful for my family and my friends and my job. I love life. Nothing can break me.

So it finally came to the point where Merry refuses to live with Rick any longer... and its not as simple as just kicking Rick out, because he would still be around, she isn't going to even put the idea in my head that if I broke up with him she would stay, she's a good person, she is miserable living with us, and its just so frusterating, because I can't win. But maybe I should break up with him....

It is 100% his fault she is moving out, and we both downplayed it to him saying she was going to move out end of March anyway, and gee why is that, because she can't stand living with Rick, so instead of waiting, she is moving out at the end of this month.

So I have three weeks to find a new roommate.

I actually have one prospect, one of my best friends. The problem is she has a 5 year old son. Why is that a problem?? Because I have to give him the extra bedroom, my future nursery... so as long as they live in my house, I cannot have a baby. Dream shattered. Do I want one with Rick anyway? He is slowly destroying my life.

I am thinking of kicking him out. I will be ok just me and Meg financially. We never did discuss living together... he moved in because he had nowhere else to go, it was supposed to be temporary... three months top I believe he said. Here it is 9 months later, he chased my roommate away, his dog has detroyed my backyard and my carpet, ugh I don't know what to do.

Maybe by the end of the year I will get a raise, maybe a significant raise when I'm a CPA. Maybe Rick will find a job making more than 8.50 an hour.... and maybe Meg will move in with Lucian... and if all these maybe's happen, then maybe, maybe, maybe I will be financially able to have a baby in 2015.... yeah right.

Like my client said, I need to find a rich boyfriend who has a career... and stop waiting for Rick to grow up so I can actually have what I want. Is it selfsih for me to not want to give up my dreams and my roommate for someone who is happy that Merry is moving out, who doesn't seem to understand how much his actions mess up what I want in life.

Maybe its time for me to be selfish... and I recall saying this before... several times... and I always end up right back where I was... where is my soul mate?!?!?!?!!??!