"Watching" the debate... With one of my least fav people. I try so hard to like him, and it's not even the way he treats meg that makes me not like him, it's his hate towards white people, it's his cough, as petty as that might seem, it's so loud and constant, like see a doctor! It's his way of life... Come on meg, how could you and your son possibly have a life with this guy, ughhhhh, I know I've been with people who are bad for me, so I have no probs telling meg how he's bad for her, and she knows, she admits it all the time, "but I love him so much" ugh nothing I can do but sit here and hate (but not really hate, cause I can't seem to hate anybody).

Sometimes I feel behind in life. 

I should be married.

Have another kid. 

Is that so important though? 

I'm happy. I have an amazing 12 year old.

I have Ben. 

He said he's gonna propose in February.

Yeah right.

I guess I get pissy when people annoy me.

Also I feel poopy. 

Meow. 

So Friday night I was at bootcamp and I sat in sit up position and thought wow that hurts, feels like I'm sitting on something thats poking at my tailbone. Nope, nothing there. I then suffered through several painful situps.
Next morning at bootcamp I told Jake I couldn't do any situps. Running actually hurt to. Any movement really. Sleeping was a joke. I couldn't think of anything I did to injure it, but I could feel the swelling, and it was painful.
Finally after 4 days of pain and lack of sleep I saw a doctor. I have an infected cyst. It needs to be drained and cleaned but it wasn't ready yet, much like a pimple you can't prematurely pop it, you have to wait till its ready.
I am almost certain its ready. I am scared though,  I've read horror stories. However it won't just go away so I have to go back to my doc. I am going to go after lunch. I'm ready to not be in pain anymore. But I read I have to wear a bandage for a few days, I'm supposed to go to a pool party tonight and run a race in the morning, I have a feeling I won't be able to do either. Oh well. At least no more pain. I might even sleep.

Its hard to believe summer is almost over. Emily goes back to school on Tuesday. 7th grade.

Summer has been pretty good. I've spent a lot of time in Baltimore. I like city life. It's so different. Everyone walks everywhere instead of driving, there are parks everywhere, anything you can think of in walking distance, and so many people. I also like where I live, I don't see myself ever living in a city, the schools are crap, its dangerous, def not a place to raise children, but I like that I have many friends there.

Ben moved to a nice apt. I like it. It's kinda like my second home. So maybe I do kinda live in the city. He went back to work this week. Classes start next week. I would love to see him teach.

Staycation 2015

Staycation 2015 - June 19th - June 28th.

I had to work a half day on June 19th but it was a slow day, just had to make sure everything was in order. I left work around 3 and went home and took the dog for a walk and took Emily to my moms work to celebrate her finishing 6th grade. 

After that I went to Bens house and we walked to the square and got dinner at Plug Uglies while watching the O's game. After dinner we walked to Fells, a lot of walking, we watched the end of the game and then other Leah met up with us. Next thing we know its last call and we go on a hunt for bars in Fells that might sell carry out beer. We ran into my brother and Sean, they were super drunk and my brother kept calling Ben 'Peter Parker' it was funny. We gave up on beer and went to the casino. I don't remember what game we played, black jack maybe? I played some slots. We did not win anything. Then we got some pizza and finally went home. 

Saturday I got up early and went home and got ready for my volunteer shift at Eastport A Rockin', a super fun local music festival. I was only supposed to volunteer till 2 but ended up staying till 7:30 because they were short staffed. It was lots of fun! Then I used the tips and gifts cards I got for being a volunteer and got carry out, crab cakes and calamari, fancy food, Emily loved it. I went home and fell asleep from exhaustion. 

Sunday I got up too early to go to a horrible buffet for fathers day. Not with my dad, with my grandfather and all his kids and grandkids. Then I went to pick up Ben and we went out on the boat with my mom, Shane, Christi, Thomas, Sean, Greg, and Emily. It was sooooooo fun, I promised Ben he would have fun and he did. We went to Dobbins Island and climbed up to the top and overlooked the cliff and had a good talk. After the boat he came back to my house and made Emily and I tacos, then he played Disney trivia games with Emily and watched the Rescuers with her. It made me so happy to see them interact.

Monday I took Ben home, came back and took Emily clothes shopping, made her a quick dinner and went to Ben's soccer game. He won of course. After that we rushed to the square to watch the USA womens world cup quarterfinals game, they won, it was exciting. Then we went back to my house, Bens heat broke, it was awful there.

Tuesday I took Emily to the beach for the day. It was perfect. It was like 90 degrees but since we were at the ocean it felt cooler and it was breezy, and the ocean is just so pretty and smells so good. We got dinner and ate at my moms friends condo, third floor balcany overlooking the ocean. Then I drove back home through a terrible storm, wind and rain and lightning like you wouldn't believe. Once home I took a quick shower and met Ben at a bar near my house to watch the Japan game, they won, I forget who they played, then we went to the grocery store and bought a six pound pork shoulder. We made a dry rub for it and let it marinate overnight.

Wednesday Ben and I went fishing (after putting the pork shoulder in the crock pot), he caught a baby bass, we let it go. It was perfect weather. He went home to change and get his soccer stuff, I went home and got the pork ready for dinner, he came back and made a apple salsa and we had amazing carnitas tacos. Then we went to play soccer, we lost, I was nervous that Ben was playing with me haha but I did ok, not my best game, all together as a team pretty awful, we shall see if he plays with us again. 

Thursday I made Emily pancakes and bacon, then met Ben after his tutoring shift to watch the O's game. We made up a game to play while watching the game. I lost. It was fun though. We went back to my house to make Emily some dinner and hang out with her for a bit before going to Buffalo Wild Wings, our Thursday night spot. There has maybe been two or three Thursdays this year that we didn't go, the bartender brings us our drinks before we even have to ask, and this time the bar was crowded so we sat a a bar table and at the end of the night the bartender gave us a hard time for "cheating on him" because we didn't sit at the bar, we also play trivia and in early June we got a really good score and our trivia name is listed as like the third highest and every now and then you can see it on the trivia screen with the other top scorers. Nerds, yes, but Thursdays are the best! 

Friday Ben finally went home, hoping the A/C repair guy would come, but he did not. I took Emily to the movies and then went to my sisters house to watch USA vs. China, USA won! It was a good game, we ate leftover pork and I fell into a food coma. I went home and went to bed. 

Saturday I hung out at home with Emily till afternoon and she went to a friends house so I went to Bens, it was hot. He was hungover, though wouldn't admit it, he very rarely gets hungover, its not fair. We ordered pizza and watched soccer. Later in the night we went to the square to meet up with some of his friends, I didn't stay long because I told Emily I would pick her and Lilly up to sleepover at my house. 

Sunday I took Lilly home, dropped Emily off at my moms house and went to meet Ben and Jason to go to the O's game. We went to Pickles beforehand and their friend Aaron met us there. We went to the game and although the seats were pretty bad it was really fun, we played the game we invented and once again I lost. The O's won. After the game we went back to Pickles, then went to Fells and got hot dogs at this fancy hot dog place. Mine had crab meat and mac n cheese on it. I also got duck fat fries. Then we went to this bar where Bens friend was, he had won an emmy over the weekend and was showing it off. I held it. Then I went back to Bens house and fell asleep on the floor, woke up and showed up at the end of dinner at my moms house. I went home and went to bed. 

Awesome week.

2015 so far

Its already February. This year is already going by too fast. Busy work time is already here. Cold weather is the norm, snow has already fallen quite a few times, and my friends are quickly turning 30. Lots of January/Feb bdays.

So the holidays were good. Not too much family drama. My mom composed herself pretty well around Hillary (H stole several hundred bucks from my mom and of course denys it). My cousin announced she was prego and was later caught chugging champagne, and that was the extent of drama. New Years was low key. Quote from Ben "If someone told me last year that I would wake up on next New Years with a new improved Leah (his good friend is also named Leah) who has a daughter named Emily, which is the name of my girlfriend now, I would say they are crazy." I kinda hate that his ex is an Emily. He introduces me as Leah 2.0, an upgraded Leah.

Ben says we will most likely get married, that I'm the only girl he's ever even thought about marrying. He says he thinks he's in love with me. Silly boy. I like spending time with him, but I don't see us getting married. Maybe things could change though.

Fucking pain meds...

so it's no secret I don't care much for my father... For the past 14 years all I pretty much remember is him being addicted to pain meds and going through withdrawal and always making everything about his pills... A true addict. Pills over family. Everytime.

So today he was admitted to a mental hospital. Shepherd Pratt. He tried to OD over the weekend. Why end up in the looney bin?! Any attempted suicide I know of had to stay at hospital for observation but not end up in the looney bin. Has he really lost his mind?! 

My uncle was schizophrenic, he killed himself in jail. My grandfather was an alcoholic, he killed himself because he couldn't stop. Now my dad... Is suicide genetic somehow?! That's scary to think....

I was always told I have my dads genes.. Blue eyes... Dark hair... I hope nothing else. I clearly don't have an addiction problem. I hear that's genetic. 

How should I feel? Cause all I feel is embarrassed and worried mental bad health is in my genes.

Anger. I also feel anger. Built up anger from most of my lifetime so far. Things are just fine if he keeps to himself and doesn't try to interfere with our lives. If he dies, then I have to explain to a child why someone would want to die... or do I lie?? Most of my brothers and sisters were lied to about my grandfather... when they found out they were really upset they were lied to... not sure if I want to do that... Why couldn't be as lucky as Emily and grown up without a father... 

Dreams and stuff...

I had a dream about Danny the other night... most likely due to Thanksgiving and the awful memories of Thanksgiving with him. Ugh. Its been over a year since I've drempt of him, not since he's died, and strangely enough no dreams around the one year anniversary of his death.
This dream I was on vacation somewhere with my family. He was there, trying to fit in, trying to be part of the family. I didn't want him there. I didn't want him to be in my life but I was scared of making him mad. The typical dream. Walking on egg shells. Waiting for the bomb to go off. I woke up confused. Your dead, stay out of my head!

In other news... Emily is growing up too fast. Last night she says "you used to smoke right?" "yes" "well thats good, that you quit, thats really good" "Yes Emily I am very happy I quit" "Sometimes on Nickelodeon, well mostly Teen Nick, they have commercials for quiting smoking, they say you have to wear patches, did you have to wear patches? Was it hard to quit?" I told her I barely smoked to begin with and it was easy for me to quit, I just needed to want to do it. She asked me if teenagers ever really smoke. I told her lots of them do, especially in high school. She was very surprised. She's so innocent. I hope she stays so innocent and perfect forever. <3 <3

The past two weekends...

I am kind of a mess. I think I should take a break from boys all together for a while... I was hanging out with Keith and Ben was texting me and K got jealous... then I lied to him and told him I had to go visit a friend who just had a baby... but I really went to go see Ben, I just didn't want him to know I was ditching him for another guy.... lies... bad. 

Ben I watched soccer and football. Nothing really special about it. He made me breakfast. 

He went to visit his family over his school break, Wendesday to Saturday. We were supposed to hang out Saturday night. I was at a party close by to where he lives so I text him around 1am to see where he was to meet up with him. He called me and he was leaving Fells and said I should pick him up. He called me a total of 8 times, half the time saying I should pick him and the other half saying he doesn't want to see me and he hates me. The first time he called me he said I'm his favorite person and we would be married right now if it wasn't for Emily. I think thats when he started being mean, because I'm sure I had something not so nice to say about that.I don't recall. I was at a bar near Mikes house and I kept asking Matt to walk me to my car which was like three blocks away. Baltimore is scary, never walk alone at night! So finally after 30 minutes I give up on seeing Ben, I'm still at the bar at this point because nobody will walk me to my car and Ben has repeatedly told me to not come over. I told him someone else was trying to take me home and he said he didn't care. Fine. 

Matt tried to walk me to my car. He said he couldn't find Mikes house and we should just go to his house because I shouldn't drive. Honestly, a good decision, I could not drive. So I went to Matts. Compared to Bens house, it was super clean. Like super super clean. Ben is messy.

Matt came to friendsgiving at my moms house last weekend. He showed up with Mike and Cait, not sure if they invited him or if he invited himself, but it was a surprise when he showed up. He was giving off a flirty vibe all night. It was weird. I've known him for 7 or 8 years, he's never tried to flirt with me before. Maybe because anytime we ever hung out one or both of us were seeing someone else. Then this weekend when we both were at Mikes party I was getting that same vibe again. I did make out with him, he made some comment like "finally" or something. I laughed at him and said "like you've ever thought about kissing me before" and he looked at me with a super serious face and said "you have no idea." Ok weird. I slept on the couch. I can't throw a third guy in the mix. He's cool though. Successful, clean, cute, close with his family, he knows Emily, he works in finance, and although I don't really know him too well, he seems like a really nice guy. 

Like I said. I think I need a break.

I apparently text Ben and told him I hate him. Twice. Then I text him and told him I stayed at Mike and Caits. Lies. First weekend I didn't see Ben since I've met him I think. We are still talking though. 

I didn't give Matt my phone number. 

I haven't heard from Keith since I ditched him for Ben. 

Maybe I should not see any of them for the month of December. Yeah right.