I've been so back and forth lately. Sometimes I feel optimistic and sometimes I feel at a loss.

This is where things stood over the summer. It was a good summer.
Ben had surgery. I helped take care of him. I spent a lot of time with his mom and dad. Emily came to Bens house for the first time. Emily met his mom.
I went to his sisters house in Richmond for an engagement party. Ben and I destroyed everyone at beer pong. So far we are undefeated this summer. We even entered a tournament and won a bunch of random stuff. I had an awkward brunch with him and his parents as they all complained about his sisters fiance. He called me every day and tried to hang out every day. He came out on the boat with my family every weekend. In the two years that I've known him, he seemed the happiest this summer, despite the surgery and not being able to play soccer, he seemed happy. Maybe it was me that was happy and so it just seemed he was happy too... but I felt good about us, I felt like we had a future, that we made each other happy, that we were a team.
Finding out that he was with someone else in the spring was tough. I felt lied to, I felt like everything between us was a lie. In retrospect I see it couldn't have all been a lie. I wish I never found out. Things aren't the same. He tried to avoid me, the whole issue all together. Both of us however felt very lost. We tried to talk things through but instead we both just tried to pretend like nothing happened. We actually had a great weekend. We went to the Orioles game, we went out afterwards and had a great time bar hopping till last call. Saturday we watched netflix most of the day and went out Saturday night with several of his friends. Sunday morning we had another lazy day. Sunday night he went out with Jason and I spent time with my family. Monday we watched the O's together. Monday he seemed down, I assumed because the work week was about to start. Now its Wednesday and he's barely said a word to me. No phone call after work. If I didn't text him asking about his drafts we probably wouldn't have said a word yesterday. WHY!? I want what he had in the summer. I don't understand why he's pushing me away.

Today will be a good day...

Positive thinking. Its supposed to work right?
At the same time I don't want anything too good to happen today.
So lets just pretend its like any other day.
Its silly right? Why would a memory weigh so heavily on one day?
Why can't I just go through this day without constantly remembering?!
Four years.
I am a different person now.
He is dead.
That helps me get through the day.

I've been moody at my job lately. My "manager" has been pissing me off. The lack of staff has been pissing me off. The overtime I've been working has been pissing me off. I feel like I am being treated like a little kid. I try to schedule my time around my work, I have my specific work that I do every month, I have my clients that I keep in touch with and do things for without reporting to Joyce or Steve what I'm doing for them because Steve has encouraged me to be proactive, and stay on top of my clients without having to be told what to do or whatever, but its kind of hard to do with Joyce constantly breathing down my neck. "what are you working on? When are you going to do this? Will you have time to do this soon?" No, F you, go away, I will do what I want when I want, I'm an adult and have been working here for 6 years!
I got to work today, walked into the kitchen to put my lunch in the fridge, Joyce followed me in, "Whats up for today?"  and I say "I have no idea, I haven't sat down yet" take a hint lady and leave me the fuck alone. Then she asks me to send her something, which she could easily get herself, so as I am getting it for her she sends me an email reminding me to send it to her... are you fucking kidding me, you think I forgot in the three minutes it took me to boot up my computer.
Last week I gave her something to review on the day it was due. I asked her to please review the numbers and fax to the number on the first page.
The next day she tells me that we need to start using the work in progress spreadsheet again so something like that doesn't fall through the cracks, I explained that it was in an envelope with the regular monthly bingo stuff that I hadn't opened and the client called and asked the status on it so I found it and did it real quick, had absolutely nothing to do with me "forgetting" to do it, she wants to have absolute control over what I do and what I work on, it makes me crazy. She is not technically my manager, she is tax manager, I work for Steve, not her.
I don't know how I'm going to survive another tax season.

"Watching" the debate... With one of my least fav people. I try so hard to like him, and it's not even the way he treats meg that makes me not like him, it's his hate towards white people, it's his cough, as petty as that might seem, it's so loud and constant, like see a doctor! It's his way of life... Come on meg, how could you and your son possibly have a life with this guy, ughhhhh, I know I've been with people who are bad for me, so I have no probs telling meg how he's bad for her, and she knows, she admits it all the time, "but I love him so much" ugh nothing I can do but sit here and hate (but not really hate, cause I can't seem to hate anybody).

Sometimes I feel behind in life. 

I should be married.

Have another kid. 

Is that so important though? 

I'm happy. I have an amazing 12 year old.

I have Ben. 

He said he's gonna propose in February.

Yeah right.

I guess I get pissy when people annoy me.

Also I feel poopy. 

Meow. 

So Friday night I was at bootcamp and I sat in sit up position and thought wow that hurts, feels like I'm sitting on something thats poking at my tailbone. Nope, nothing there. I then suffered through several painful situps.
Next morning at bootcamp I told Jake I couldn't do any situps. Running actually hurt to. Any movement really. Sleeping was a joke. I couldn't think of anything I did to injure it, but I could feel the swelling, and it was painful.
Finally after 4 days of pain and lack of sleep I saw a doctor. I have an infected cyst. It needs to be drained and cleaned but it wasn't ready yet, much like a pimple you can't prematurely pop it, you have to wait till its ready.
I am almost certain its ready. I am scared though,  I've read horror stories. However it won't just go away so I have to go back to my doc. I am going to go after lunch. I'm ready to not be in pain anymore. But I read I have to wear a bandage for a few days, I'm supposed to go to a pool party tonight and run a race in the morning, I have a feeling I won't be able to do either. Oh well. At least no more pain. I might even sleep.

Its hard to believe summer is almost over. Emily goes back to school on Tuesday. 7th grade.

Summer has been pretty good. I've spent a lot of time in Baltimore. I like city life. It's so different. Everyone walks everywhere instead of driving, there are parks everywhere, anything you can think of in walking distance, and so many people. I also like where I live, I don't see myself ever living in a city, the schools are crap, its dangerous, def not a place to raise children, but I like that I have many friends there.

Ben moved to a nice apt. I like it. It's kinda like my second home. So maybe I do kinda live in the city. He went back to work this week. Classes start next week. I would love to see him teach.

Staycation 2015

Staycation 2015 - June 19th - June 28th.

I had to work a half day on June 19th but it was a slow day, just had to make sure everything was in order. I left work around 3 and went home and took the dog for a walk and took Emily to my moms work to celebrate her finishing 6th grade. 

After that I went to Bens house and we walked to the square and got dinner at Plug Uglies while watching the O's game. After dinner we walked to Fells, a lot of walking, we watched the end of the game and then other Leah met up with us. Next thing we know its last call and we go on a hunt for bars in Fells that might sell carry out beer. We ran into my brother and Sean, they were super drunk and my brother kept calling Ben 'Peter Parker' it was funny. We gave up on beer and went to the casino. I don't remember what game we played, black jack maybe? I played some slots. We did not win anything. Then we got some pizza and finally went home. 

Saturday I got up early and went home and got ready for my volunteer shift at Eastport A Rockin', a super fun local music festival. I was only supposed to volunteer till 2 but ended up staying till 7:30 because they were short staffed. It was lots of fun! Then I used the tips and gifts cards I got for being a volunteer and got carry out, crab cakes and calamari, fancy food, Emily loved it. I went home and fell asleep from exhaustion. 

Sunday I got up too early to go to a horrible buffet for fathers day. Not with my dad, with my grandfather and all his kids and grandkids. Then I went to pick up Ben and we went out on the boat with my mom, Shane, Christi, Thomas, Sean, Greg, and Emily. It was sooooooo fun, I promised Ben he would have fun and he did. We went to Dobbins Island and climbed up to the top and overlooked the cliff and had a good talk. After the boat he came back to my house and made Emily and I tacos, then he played Disney trivia games with Emily and watched the Rescuers with her. It made me so happy to see them interact.

Monday I took Ben home, came back and took Emily clothes shopping, made her a quick dinner and went to Ben's soccer game. He won of course. After that we rushed to the square to watch the USA womens world cup quarterfinals game, they won, it was exciting. Then we went back to my house, Bens heat broke, it was awful there.

Tuesday I took Emily to the beach for the day. It was perfect. It was like 90 degrees but since we were at the ocean it felt cooler and it was breezy, and the ocean is just so pretty and smells so good. We got dinner and ate at my moms friends condo, third floor balcany overlooking the ocean. Then I drove back home through a terrible storm, wind and rain and lightning like you wouldn't believe. Once home I took a quick shower and met Ben at a bar near my house to watch the Japan game, they won, I forget who they played, then we went to the grocery store and bought a six pound pork shoulder. We made a dry rub for it and let it marinate overnight.

Wednesday Ben and I went fishing (after putting the pork shoulder in the crock pot), he caught a baby bass, we let it go. It was perfect weather. He went home to change and get his soccer stuff, I went home and got the pork ready for dinner, he came back and made a apple salsa and we had amazing carnitas tacos. Then we went to play soccer, we lost, I was nervous that Ben was playing with me haha but I did ok, not my best game, all together as a team pretty awful, we shall see if he plays with us again. 

Thursday I made Emily pancakes and bacon, then met Ben after his tutoring shift to watch the O's game. We made up a game to play while watching the game. I lost. It was fun though. We went back to my house to make Emily some dinner and hang out with her for a bit before going to Buffalo Wild Wings, our Thursday night spot. There has maybe been two or three Thursdays this year that we didn't go, the bartender brings us our drinks before we even have to ask, and this time the bar was crowded so we sat a a bar table and at the end of the night the bartender gave us a hard time for "cheating on him" because we didn't sit at the bar, we also play trivia and in early June we got a really good score and our trivia name is listed as like the third highest and every now and then you can see it on the trivia screen with the other top scorers. Nerds, yes, but Thursdays are the best! 

Friday Ben finally went home, hoping the A/C repair guy would come, but he did not. I took Emily to the movies and then went to my sisters house to watch USA vs. China, USA won! It was a good game, we ate leftover pork and I fell into a food coma. I went home and went to bed. 

Saturday I hung out at home with Emily till afternoon and she went to a friends house so I went to Bens, it was hot. He was hungover, though wouldn't admit it, he very rarely gets hungover, its not fair. We ordered pizza and watched soccer. Later in the night we went to the square to meet up with some of his friends, I didn't stay long because I told Emily I would pick her and Lilly up to sleepover at my house. 

Sunday I took Lilly home, dropped Emily off at my moms house and went to meet Ben and Jason to go to the O's game. We went to Pickles beforehand and their friend Aaron met us there. We went to the game and although the seats were pretty bad it was really fun, we played the game we invented and once again I lost. The O's won. After the game we went back to Pickles, then went to Fells and got hot dogs at this fancy hot dog place. Mine had crab meat and mac n cheese on it. I also got duck fat fries. Then we went to this bar where Bens friend was, he had won an emmy over the weekend and was showing it off. I held it. Then I went back to Bens house and fell asleep on the floor, woke up and showed up at the end of dinner at my moms house. I went home and went to bed. 

Awesome week.

2015 so far

Its already February. This year is already going by too fast. Busy work time is already here. Cold weather is the norm, snow has already fallen quite a few times, and my friends are quickly turning 30. Lots of January/Feb bdays.

So the holidays were good. Not too much family drama. My mom composed herself pretty well around Hillary (H stole several hundred bucks from my mom and of course denys it). My cousin announced she was prego and was later caught chugging champagne, and that was the extent of drama. New Years was low key. Quote from Ben "If someone told me last year that I would wake up on next New Years with a new improved Leah (his good friend is also named Leah) who has a daughter named Emily, which is the name of my girlfriend now, I would say they are crazy." I kinda hate that his ex is an Emily. He introduces me as Leah 2.0, an upgraded Leah.

Ben says we will most likely get married, that I'm the only girl he's ever even thought about marrying. He says he thinks he's in love with me. Silly boy. I like spending time with him, but I don't see us getting married. Maybe things could change though.