Its already February. This year is already going by too fast. Busy work time is already here. Cold weather is the norm, snow has already fallen quite a few times, and my friends are quickly turning 30. Lots of January/Feb bdays.
So the holidays were good. Not too much family drama. My mom composed herself pretty well around Hillary (H stole several hundred bucks from my mom and of course denys it). My cousin announced she was prego and was later caught chugging champagne, and that was the extent of drama. New Years was low key. Quote from Ben "If someone told me last year that I would wake up on next New Years with a new improved Leah (his good friend is also named Leah) who has a daughter named Emily, which is the name of my girlfriend now, I would say they are crazy." I kinda hate that his ex is an Emily. He introduces me as Leah 2.0, an upgraded Leah.
Ben says we will most likely get married, that I'm the only girl he's ever even thought about marrying. He says he thinks he's in love with me. Silly boy. I like spending time with him, but I don't see us getting married. Maybe things could change though.
Monday, February 2, 2015
Monday, December 15, 2014
Fucking pain meds...
so it's no secret I don't care much for my father... For the past 14 years all I pretty much remember is him being addicted to pain meds and going through withdrawal and always making everything about his pills... A true addict. Pills over family. Everytime.
So today he was admitted to a mental hospital. Shepherd Pratt. He tried to OD over the weekend. Why end up in the looney bin?! Any attempted suicide I know of had to stay at hospital for observation but not end up in the looney bin. Has he really lost his mind?!
My uncle was schizophrenic, he killed himself in jail. My grandfather was an alcoholic, he killed himself because he couldn't stop. Now my dad... Is suicide genetic somehow?! That's scary to think....
I was always told I have my dads genes.. Blue eyes... Dark hair... I hope nothing else. I clearly don't have an addiction problem. I hear that's genetic.
How should I feel? Cause all I feel is embarrassed and worried mental bad health is in my genes.
Anger. I also feel anger. Built up anger from most of my lifetime so far. Things are just fine if he keeps to himself and doesn't try to interfere with our lives. If he dies, then I have to explain to a child why someone would want to die... or do I lie?? Most of my brothers and sisters were lied to about my grandfather... when they found out they were really upset they were lied to... not sure if I want to do that... Why couldn't be as lucky as Emily and grown up without a father...
Anger. I also feel anger. Built up anger from most of my lifetime so far. Things are just fine if he keeps to himself and doesn't try to interfere with our lives. If he dies, then I have to explain to a child why someone would want to die... or do I lie?? Most of my brothers and sisters were lied to about my grandfather... when they found out they were really upset they were lied to... not sure if I want to do that... Why couldn't be as lucky as Emily and grown up without a father...
Tuesday, December 2, 2014
Dreams and stuff...
I had a dream about Danny the other night... most likely due to Thanksgiving and the awful memories of Thanksgiving with him. Ugh. Its been over a year since I've drempt of him, not since he's died, and strangely enough no dreams around the one year anniversary of his death.
This dream I was on vacation somewhere with my family. He was there, trying to fit in, trying to be part of the family. I didn't want him there. I didn't want him to be in my life but I was scared of making him mad. The typical dream. Walking on egg shells. Waiting for the bomb to go off. I woke up confused. Your dead, stay out of my head!
In other news... Emily is growing up too fast. Last night she says "you used to smoke right?" "yes" "well thats good, that you quit, thats really good" "Yes Emily I am very happy I quit" "Sometimes on Nickelodeon, well mostly Teen Nick, they have commercials for quiting smoking, they say you have to wear patches, did you have to wear patches? Was it hard to quit?" I told her I barely smoked to begin with and it was easy for me to quit, I just needed to want to do it. She asked me if teenagers ever really smoke. I told her lots of them do, especially in high school. She was very surprised. She's so innocent. I hope she stays so innocent and perfect forever. <3 <3
This dream I was on vacation somewhere with my family. He was there, trying to fit in, trying to be part of the family. I didn't want him there. I didn't want him to be in my life but I was scared of making him mad. The typical dream. Walking on egg shells. Waiting for the bomb to go off. I woke up confused. Your dead, stay out of my head!
In other news... Emily is growing up too fast. Last night she says "you used to smoke right?" "yes" "well thats good, that you quit, thats really good" "Yes Emily I am very happy I quit" "Sometimes on Nickelodeon, well mostly Teen Nick, they have commercials for quiting smoking, they say you have to wear patches, did you have to wear patches? Was it hard to quit?" I told her I barely smoked to begin with and it was easy for me to quit, I just needed to want to do it. She asked me if teenagers ever really smoke. I told her lots of them do, especially in high school. She was very surprised. She's so innocent. I hope she stays so innocent and perfect forever. <3 <3
Monday, December 1, 2014
The past two weekends...
I am kind of a mess. I think I should take a break from boys all together for a while... I was hanging out with Keith and Ben was texting me and K got jealous... then I lied to him and told him I had to go visit a friend who just had a baby... but I really went to go see Ben, I just didn't want him to know I was ditching him for another guy.... lies... bad.
Ben I watched soccer and football. Nothing really special about it. He made me breakfast.
He went to visit his family over his school break, Wendesday to Saturday. We were supposed to hang out Saturday night. I was at a party close by to where he lives so I text him around 1am to see where he was to meet up with him. He called me and he was leaving Fells and said I should pick him up. He called me a total of 8 times, half the time saying I should pick him and the other half saying he doesn't want to see me and he hates me. The first time he called me he said I'm his favorite person and we would be married right now if it wasn't for Emily. I think thats when he started being mean, because I'm sure I had something not so nice to say about that.I don't recall. I was at a bar near Mikes house and I kept asking Matt to walk me to my car which was like three blocks away. Baltimore is scary, never walk alone at night! So finally after 30 minutes I give up on seeing Ben, I'm still at the bar at this point because nobody will walk me to my car and Ben has repeatedly told me to not come over. I told him someone else was trying to take me home and he said he didn't care. Fine.
Matt tried to walk me to my car. He said he couldn't find Mikes house and we should just go to his house because I shouldn't drive. Honestly, a good decision, I could not drive. So I went to Matts. Compared to Bens house, it was super clean. Like super super clean. Ben is messy.
Matt came to friendsgiving at my moms house last weekend. He showed up with Mike and Cait, not sure if they invited him or if he invited himself, but it was a surprise when he showed up. He was giving off a flirty vibe all night. It was weird. I've known him for 7 or 8 years, he's never tried to flirt with me before. Maybe because anytime we ever hung out one or both of us were seeing someone else. Then this weekend when we both were at Mikes party I was getting that same vibe again. I did make out with him, he made some comment like "finally" or something. I laughed at him and said "like you've ever thought about kissing me before" and he looked at me with a super serious face and said "you have no idea." Ok weird. I slept on the couch. I can't throw a third guy in the mix. He's cool though. Successful, clean, cute, close with his family, he knows Emily, he works in finance, and although I don't really know him too well, he seems like a really nice guy.
Like I said. I think I need a break.
I apparently text Ben and told him I hate him. Twice. Then I text him and told him I stayed at Mike and Caits. Lies. First weekend I didn't see Ben since I've met him I think. We are still talking though.
I didn't give Matt my phone number.
I haven't heard from Keith since I ditched him for Ben.
Maybe I should not see any of them for the month of December. Yeah right.
Tuesday, November 18, 2014
5 months...
Friday was 5 months since I've met Ben.
Friday night I went to happy hour with Meg. I went home and showered and then back out to meet Meg. Got really bored with the bar scene and left to go to Brookes to hang out with her and Merry. Lots of fun. Love ladies night with those girls. I fell asleep on the couch and woke up and went home despite Keith begging me to come over. I was almost about to go to bed when Ben called and told me to come over.
He was genuinely happy to see me. He even told me how happy he was that I was there, and said "your my favorite person that I hate" thanks Ben. He also said we will eventually get married. Not now, but eventually... when Emily is 40 and I'm 70. Good math Ben. He asked me what he was to me. I said he was Ben. Great answer I know. He said he thinks he's just my toy, and he's ok with that. Thats when he said we were not going to get married now but later so its cool.
Its Tuesday and I miss him like crazy. I don't even know if I will see him this weekend because of the Annapolis half marathon. I wonder if he misses me.
Friday night I went to happy hour with Meg. I went home and showered and then back out to meet Meg. Got really bored with the bar scene and left to go to Brookes to hang out with her and Merry. Lots of fun. Love ladies night with those girls. I fell asleep on the couch and woke up and went home despite Keith begging me to come over. I was almost about to go to bed when Ben called and told me to come over.
He was genuinely happy to see me. He even told me how happy he was that I was there, and said "your my favorite person that I hate" thanks Ben. He also said we will eventually get married. Not now, but eventually... when Emily is 40 and I'm 70. Good math Ben. He asked me what he was to me. I said he was Ben. Great answer I know. He said he thinks he's just my toy, and he's ok with that. Thats when he said we were not going to get married now but later so its cool.
Its Tuesday and I miss him like crazy. I don't even know if I will see him this weekend because of the Annapolis half marathon. I wonder if he misses me.
Thursday, November 13, 2014
Dreams
I had such a weird dream last night, I always mean to write dreams down but I never do.
The earliest in the dream I can remember was me pursuing several different men, one was Tom from the Blacklist (hahahaha), one was an older guy who was a surgeon ($$$) and the rest were random guys, and I was walking outside this hotel and heading towards the pool when I see one of the guys and I try to walk by without him noticing me, but then somehow all of them show up and starting yelling at each other and yelling at me demanding explanations... then the next thing I remember is going to a house that I guess I lived at and packing it up, I'm not sure where I was taking everything, but it was taking way too long, and getting complicated, obstacles kept arising, such as not being able to park close enough to load stuff in the car, help not showing up, etc.
The next thing I remember is being at a wedding at a fancy hotel. I was sitting with my sister, Alex Long, and someone else. We were drinking cocktails and chatting. I started to feel a little drunk and called out Alex for not inviting me to her and Lenny's open house kitchen revealing (which I did find out about yesterday and was offended for not being invited). She apologized. I started feeling really drunk and although I tried my best to hide how drunk I was I kept tripping or slurring, and at one point I even fell forward on a chair and briefly passed out (I remember feeling myself falling forward on the chair and then suddenly realized I had my eyes closed), it was very realistic. I stood up super embarrassed and looked around to see if anyone noticed. I then walked out of the room to the elevator and took it to my floor, When I got to my room there were several people there, I talked to them for a while and realized I was starting to feel less drunk and felt much better.
I talked to the bride for a bit, she was a larger girl (unfamiliar in real life). I then remember over hearing my sister and her husband talking about having a baby and my sister was saying she wanted to start trying after October is over. I was super happy to hear this and also very jealous.
The earliest in the dream I can remember was me pursuing several different men, one was Tom from the Blacklist (hahahaha), one was an older guy who was a surgeon ($$$) and the rest were random guys, and I was walking outside this hotel and heading towards the pool when I see one of the guys and I try to walk by without him noticing me, but then somehow all of them show up and starting yelling at each other and yelling at me demanding explanations... then the next thing I remember is going to a house that I guess I lived at and packing it up, I'm not sure where I was taking everything, but it was taking way too long, and getting complicated, obstacles kept arising, such as not being able to park close enough to load stuff in the car, help not showing up, etc.
The next thing I remember is being at a wedding at a fancy hotel. I was sitting with my sister, Alex Long, and someone else. We were drinking cocktails and chatting. I started to feel a little drunk and called out Alex for not inviting me to her and Lenny's open house kitchen revealing (which I did find out about yesterday and was offended for not being invited). She apologized. I started feeling really drunk and although I tried my best to hide how drunk I was I kept tripping or slurring, and at one point I even fell forward on a chair and briefly passed out (I remember feeling myself falling forward on the chair and then suddenly realized I had my eyes closed), it was very realistic. I stood up super embarrassed and looked around to see if anyone noticed. I then walked out of the room to the elevator and took it to my floor, When I got to my room there were several people there, I talked to them for a while and realized I was starting to feel less drunk and felt much better.
I talked to the bride for a bit, she was a larger girl (unfamiliar in real life). I then remember over hearing my sister and her husband talking about having a baby and my sister was saying she wanted to start trying after October is over. I was super happy to hear this and also very jealous.
Tuesday, November 11, 2014
Another epic weekend
Emily had a soccer game Friday. It was great, intense, and Jess & Greg, and Sarah & her Ben, and cousin Kyle all came to watch, and they enjoyed it despite the 40 degree weather.
Later Friday night I went to hang out with Keith and his roommate Gianmarco and Kira, it was lots of fun, stayed there till 3:30, I was all impressed I stayed up so late and then Ben called and wanted to hang out, what are the odds I would actually be awake at 3:30?! So I go to his house, and we listen to youtube vidoes of old 90's rock music and sang along and drank whiskey, oh my gosh it was fun, then he busts out a guitar and starts playing me a bunch of songs, I had no idea he played guitar, ahhhhh I love it. We stayed up till almost 6 before finally falling asleep. I watched a little bit of soccer with him in the morning and then headed out to Heavy Seas brewery to meet the crew from last night for a chili festival, so much fun. The rest of the evening I relaxed, chugged water and went to bed early so I wouldn't be hung over for the 10k Across the Bay! I was super nervous to run over the bay bridge but it was actually pretty cool and lots of fun, met up with bootcamp friends at the finish and then my two good friends and we went out for a snack and then back to my moms house for dinner and games, then finally home and in bed early because it was such an exhausting weekend. But good.
Ben and I don't talk during the week. But we do play words with friends. Yes, nerdy. It has a messenger feature, and lately he has been messaging me,.. Thursday he was just being silly, and on Sunday he was asking about the bridge run. Baby steps... maybe soon we can be snap chat friends again hahaha and then maybe actually text each other instead of facebook message.... whoa maybe...
He called me last week, Sunday night, he sounded wasted, he said he thinks we should be a couple since we hang out all the time and hate each other, and thats what most couples are like. I thought it was cute and funny. He said he wanted to watch the Ravens/Steelers game with me that night but then didn't answer his phone, I text him saying I was coming over and he text back 25 minutes later saying he wasn't home and I didn't hear from him again till that Monday morning and he text me (real texts lol) and said he was sorry and he's a huge dickface. I said "yeah I know"
After I write all this down I feel like an idiot for still talking to him and seeing him and getting excited over him actually being nice to me. I know I need to talk to him and figure out what it is we are doing, but I kind of like it simple, but I do miss him a lot during the week. I want to know how he feels, Ugh. I hate him.
Later Friday night I went to hang out with Keith and his roommate Gianmarco and Kira, it was lots of fun, stayed there till 3:30, I was all impressed I stayed up so late and then Ben called and wanted to hang out, what are the odds I would actually be awake at 3:30?! So I go to his house, and we listen to youtube vidoes of old 90's rock music and sang along and drank whiskey, oh my gosh it was fun, then he busts out a guitar and starts playing me a bunch of songs, I had no idea he played guitar, ahhhhh I love it. We stayed up till almost 6 before finally falling asleep. I watched a little bit of soccer with him in the morning and then headed out to Heavy Seas brewery to meet the crew from last night for a chili festival, so much fun. The rest of the evening I relaxed, chugged water and went to bed early so I wouldn't be hung over for the 10k Across the Bay! I was super nervous to run over the bay bridge but it was actually pretty cool and lots of fun, met up with bootcamp friends at the finish and then my two good friends and we went out for a snack and then back to my moms house for dinner and games, then finally home and in bed early because it was such an exhausting weekend. But good.
Ben and I don't talk during the week. But we do play words with friends. Yes, nerdy. It has a messenger feature, and lately he has been messaging me,.. Thursday he was just being silly, and on Sunday he was asking about the bridge run. Baby steps... maybe soon we can be snap chat friends again hahaha and then maybe actually text each other instead of facebook message.... whoa maybe...
He called me last week, Sunday night, he sounded wasted, he said he thinks we should be a couple since we hang out all the time and hate each other, and thats what most couples are like. I thought it was cute and funny. He said he wanted to watch the Ravens/Steelers game with me that night but then didn't answer his phone, I text him saying I was coming over and he text back 25 minutes later saying he wasn't home and I didn't hear from him again till that Monday morning and he text me (real texts lol) and said he was sorry and he's a huge dickface. I said "yeah I know"
After I write all this down I feel like an idiot for still talking to him and seeing him and getting excited over him actually being nice to me. I know I need to talk to him and figure out what it is we are doing, but I kind of like it simple, but I do miss him a lot during the week. I want to know how he feels, Ugh. I hate him.
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