Fucking pain meds...

so it's no secret I don't care much for my father... For the past 14 years all I pretty much remember is him being addicted to pain meds and going through withdrawal and always making everything about his pills... A true addict. Pills over family. Everytime.

So today he was admitted to a mental hospital. Shepherd Pratt. He tried to OD over the weekend. Why end up in the looney bin?! Any attempted suicide I know of had to stay at hospital for observation but not end up in the looney bin. Has he really lost his mind?! 

My uncle was schizophrenic, he killed himself in jail. My grandfather was an alcoholic, he killed himself because he couldn't stop. Now my dad... Is suicide genetic somehow?! That's scary to think....

I was always told I have my dads genes.. Blue eyes... Dark hair... I hope nothing else. I clearly don't have an addiction problem. I hear that's genetic. 

How should I feel? Cause all I feel is embarrassed and worried mental bad health is in my genes.

Anger. I also feel anger. Built up anger from most of my lifetime so far. Things are just fine if he keeps to himself and doesn't try to interfere with our lives. If he dies, then I have to explain to a child why someone would want to die... or do I lie?? Most of my brothers and sisters were lied to about my grandfather... when they found out they were really upset they were lied to... not sure if I want to do that... Why couldn't be as lucky as Emily and grown up without a father... 

Dreams and stuff...

I had a dream about Danny the other night... most likely due to Thanksgiving and the awful memories of Thanksgiving with him. Ugh. Its been over a year since I've drempt of him, not since he's died, and strangely enough no dreams around the one year anniversary of his death.
This dream I was on vacation somewhere with my family. He was there, trying to fit in, trying to be part of the family. I didn't want him there. I didn't want him to be in my life but I was scared of making him mad. The typical dream. Walking on egg shells. Waiting for the bomb to go off. I woke up confused. Your dead, stay out of my head!

In other news... Emily is growing up too fast. Last night she says "you used to smoke right?" "yes" "well thats good, that you quit, thats really good" "Yes Emily I am very happy I quit" "Sometimes on Nickelodeon, well mostly Teen Nick, they have commercials for quiting smoking, they say you have to wear patches, did you have to wear patches? Was it hard to quit?" I told her I barely smoked to begin with and it was easy for me to quit, I just needed to want to do it. She asked me if teenagers ever really smoke. I told her lots of them do, especially in high school. She was very surprised. She's so innocent. I hope she stays so innocent and perfect forever. <3 <3

The past two weekends...

I am kind of a mess. I think I should take a break from boys all together for a while... I was hanging out with Keith and Ben was texting me and K got jealous... then I lied to him and told him I had to go visit a friend who just had a baby... but I really went to go see Ben, I just didn't want him to know I was ditching him for another guy.... lies... bad. 

Ben I watched soccer and football. Nothing really special about it. He made me breakfast. 

He went to visit his family over his school break, Wendesday to Saturday. We were supposed to hang out Saturday night. I was at a party close by to where he lives so I text him around 1am to see where he was to meet up with him. He called me and he was leaving Fells and said I should pick him up. He called me a total of 8 times, half the time saying I should pick him and the other half saying he doesn't want to see me and he hates me. The first time he called me he said I'm his favorite person and we would be married right now if it wasn't for Emily. I think thats when he started being mean, because I'm sure I had something not so nice to say about that.I don't recall. I was at a bar near Mikes house and I kept asking Matt to walk me to my car which was like three blocks away. Baltimore is scary, never walk alone at night! So finally after 30 minutes I give up on seeing Ben, I'm still at the bar at this point because nobody will walk me to my car and Ben has repeatedly told me to not come over. I told him someone else was trying to take me home and he said he didn't care. Fine. 

Matt tried to walk me to my car. He said he couldn't find Mikes house and we should just go to his house because I shouldn't drive. Honestly, a good decision, I could not drive. So I went to Matts. Compared to Bens house, it was super clean. Like super super clean. Ben is messy.

Matt came to friendsgiving at my moms house last weekend. He showed up with Mike and Cait, not sure if they invited him or if he invited himself, but it was a surprise when he showed up. He was giving off a flirty vibe all night. It was weird. I've known him for 7 or 8 years, he's never tried to flirt with me before. Maybe because anytime we ever hung out one or both of us were seeing someone else. Then this weekend when we both were at Mikes party I was getting that same vibe again. I did make out with him, he made some comment like "finally" or something. I laughed at him and said "like you've ever thought about kissing me before" and he looked at me with a super serious face and said "you have no idea." Ok weird. I slept on the couch. I can't throw a third guy in the mix. He's cool though. Successful, clean, cute, close with his family, he knows Emily, he works in finance, and although I don't really know him too well, he seems like a really nice guy. 

Like I said. I think I need a break.

I apparently text Ben and told him I hate him. Twice. Then I text him and told him I stayed at Mike and Caits. Lies. First weekend I didn't see Ben since I've met him I think. We are still talking though. 

I didn't give Matt my phone number. 

I haven't heard from Keith since I ditched him for Ben. 

Maybe I should not see any of them for the month of December. Yeah right.