I should be studying right now... I don't want to. I'm so tired of it. Rick is working and Merry is at her dads I just want to curl up on the couch and watch a movie Instead I am studying transfers of financial assets. Awesome. 10 more days. Rick and I have been fighting a lot lately... Money sucks. There are two very difficult parts of parenting that make me feel so useless and frusterated. #1 - sick kid - nothing you can do but watch them suffer. AWEFULL!!!! #2 - Not being able to provide for your kid the way you want to because you don't have the money. I want to give her the world, I want her to have nice clothes, I want her to eat good food. I'm doing the best I can but I feel like its not good enough. I make more than the average american. Statistically I think the average is 55k. With two roommates I still am barely surviving. I can only blame myself. My credit card debt. I let someone else use my cards. My fault. I pay for it every day. Credit card debt. Mortgage. Outrageous water bill. Student loans. Car insruance. Internet. Child care. Health insurance. And my guilty pleasures... cell phone, boot camp... I am drowning. Something needs to change. But what? I can't cancel Emilys health insurance, thats my biggest bill!! Can't pull her out of child care. Can't stop paying my credit cards or student loans. Nothing else would really make a dent. So I need more income. Oh right thats why I'm studying. Back to studying.

He's dead.
It's weird. Hard to wrap my head around.
I mean it was bound to happen.
He was accident prone, careless, suicidal.

My first thought was that maybe the nightmares would stop.
My co-worker told me the nightmares will never stop.
They will eventually happen less frequently but never stop.
Efff. I figured in my dream I would be like hey wait, your dead, this isn't real... and wake up.
We shall see.
I had a nightmare last Friday night, I didn't know he was dead then.

My sister called me last night, she said she thought I was the only one who didn't know.
Thanks mom. Thanks for telling all my siblings and waiting to tell me last.
Thanks for thinking I would be upset! Or even surprised.

When I am at home and hear a loud car drive by... I will not panic.
When I walk out of work I won't scan the parking lot to make sure he's not waiting for me.
When I go anywhere in public I won't be scared I will run into him.
When I am taking a shower I won't worry about him breaking into my house.
When I sleep at night I won't worry about him tampering with my car or house.
No more fear, no more worry. Why would I be upset?

His funeral is today.
No I'm not going.
Why would I?
I didn't know his family.

There is still much anger... that didn't die with him, but whats the point at being angry at a dead person? It will fade.

http://www.capitalgazette.com/maryland_gazette/police_beat/three-injured-in-two-car-wreck-in-gambrills/article_9a52877b-afe6-5aac-961d-0fdf8925ac02.html#user-comment-area

Loser. I can almost guarantee he was on drugs.


http://www.beallfuneral.com/sitemaker/sites/BeallF1/obit.cgi?user=1160396Pfarr

It kinda pisses me off that he is made out to look like a decent guy.

No mention of the cats he murdered, or the lives he nearly destroyed, or his terrible temper, or his drug problem, no mention of his multiple suicide attempts and how he steals and lies to the people that he supposedly cares about.
Thank god that those two teenagers in the other car were not seriously injured. He can't hurt anyone anymore. The world is a little safer.

4 months is a long time to suffer, but I've been suffering for over a year now, and I'm not completely healed yet, so I don't feel bad for him, he finally got what he wanted.

He tried to contact me the day before his accident, I ignored him. I never heard from him again. Part of me wished I could have told him what I thought of him, oh well. All the money I left and was stolen from me I guess died with him, but I never really expected that back anyway.

Goodbye Danny.